Sunday, August 31, 2008

A Whiter Shade Of Palin

My friends, you may be sitting in your Laz-E-Boy right now pondering John McCain's choice for VP, Sarah Palin. Who is she? What is her experience? Is she ready to occupy the Oval Office should McCain have an unexpected premature demise?

Well, my friends, I have done my research and am here to tell you that not only is Mrs. Palin ready...she was a brilliant pick and I almost can't wait for John to die so she can take over.

My friends, here is the straight talk:

1. Not a "Washington Insider". After a consultation with my close associate in Yakutat, Howard Diamond, I have learned much about the presumptive candidate. Sarah is from Alaska, very far from Washington, or America for that matter. Who better to throw into the Senate to make deciding votes than someone who needs a detailed map to find the Beltway? She is fresher than a wriggling salmon and has no preconceived notions about what the job entails or who all those old guys in all those leather chairs are. But any woman who has faced grizzly bears on a daily basis certainly can stand up to a cancer-ridden blowhard like Ted Kennedy.

2. She is a woman. That should shut up all those PUMA bitches who still think Hillary should be President. Most of them just want a vagina in the big chair no matter whose it is. Sure, Sarah holds none of the same values as HRC, but, at the end of the day, she still squats to pee.

3. Maverick, independent, wilderness girl. What a refreshing change she will be to the boring Washington scene. When she wears a fur coat, it will be one she trapped and made herself. Those PETA maniacs won't have to throw blood on it as it may still have some of the original sanguine still clotting. Her hubby is part Yup'ik Eskimo. (Native American). We will expect to see a proper steam bath built on the White House lawn.
The head chef better start learning how to brew up fish head stew, moose burgers and aguduk for dessert. Wait till Putin sucks on some of that. We'll see what his eyes are like then!

She would be the first VP since Lincoln's days that has shit in a pail.

Much precious water will be conserved when Honey Buckets are placed in the corner of every room in the West Wing.

4. She has vast Executive experience. Sarah was mayor of Wasilla (pop. 9000). Simply put, when she was not out hunting or fishing or snow machining, all the trains ran on time. Moose droppings were cleaned off the public boardwalks and most snow was cleared from some roads. Any potheads caught with more than a pound of Matanuska Thunderfuck were given a severe talking to.

(By the way, Wasilla is also the home of Sarah's close friend, porn star, April Flowers, who may bring golden showers.) Check out her website:

5. My friends, Sarah Palin is Hot, Hot, Hot! She was the winner of the prestegious Miss Wasilla beauty contest (1984) and 1st runner up for Miss Alaska. Ironically, although chosen Miss Congenialty, she lost out to an African American and Michelle Obama lookalike, Maryline Blackburn. Payback will be a bitch. John McCain shows us he can still get it up by enveloping himself with his trophy wife/model and VP/model, he reminds us of a modern day Tony Orlando or Hugh Hefner.

6. She is a hockey mom. Everyone loves Mom and Sarah has popped out 4.5 young 'uns already. That's 2.5 more than Osama. Plus they are white. OK, one is slightly damaged goods. And even though his name is Trig, he ain't gay yet. Sarah was brave enough to make the choice to not abort the Down Syndrome child. So we can clearly see why that she is adamantly anti-choice....??? Everyone knows Mr. Hussain is a proponent of infanticide and would be more than happy to hunt down little Trig and hold his oversized head under water until he stopped struggling.

7. My friends, Sarah loves oil drilling. Those cute little endangered Polar Bears have had their day on the planet. It's time they made way for oil rigs in ANWAR so we can get those Hummers back on the road. Vote McCain/Palin and a gallon of gas will drop to 59 cents by Thanksgiving (and Sarah will even go out and bag every Republican a turkey).

8. Evangelical Christian. We all know those are the best kind of folks. She is pro-gun, anti-gay, anti-abortion. She only made a few tiny mistakes. Once when she tried marijuana (hated it) and another time when named two kids after witches. That nasty business with the ex-brother-in-law will not be mentioned here as it is still under investigation. It's not like she is a murderer like Clinton.

9. She is smart. I just learned that from Sean Hannity. She will make mince meat out of that empty suit, Joe Biden. Just you wait and see.

So my friends, a vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for change in America.

Kimberly and I said if George W. was elected a second time, we would move to New Zealand. If Palin becomes the US Vice President, we will move to Invercargill.

Thank you and make God Bless Alaska, my friends.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Need That Cash To Feed That Jones

Here is how I make NZ$60, the hard way. These will be the October stories.

Lounge Lizard

Henry, the 111 yr. old Tuatara and his young lover, Mildred, age 80, had been seeing each other on and off for the last 65 years, but always claimed to be “just friends”. However, their recent tryst has resulted in dozen fertilized eggs. Henry plans to cold- bloodedly abandon the family as soon as the children arrive.

Dope Pushers

High IQ thieves planned a car theft in Blenheim. Locating a vehicle parked outside a repair shop, they smashed the lock to get in and proceeded hotwiring. Their brilliant effort was foiled due to the car having no engine… which was resting comfortably in the back seat.

Eggstra! Eggstra!

A recent survey shows Kiwis under 30 are sheepish when it comes to boiling eggs. They are likewise uncertain about scrambling and poaching. Reasons given for this trepidation ranged from “Mom always made them” to lack of instructions on the product’s shell.

Bum Rap

Bank robber, Michael Geoffrey Linn of Bannockburn, was found by police to be secreting the cash in his anus. A tight roll of $2000, heard making a rustling noise, was protruding from his bottom. Linn said he was holding it for a friend. Insert your own joke here.

We all Scream

Blenheim residents Lapu and Dave Oliver have been named the top Mr. Whippy franchisees for 2008. The prize included $2500 in cash and a trophy cup. The Whippys chose to forego a Fiji holiday and will instead pimp up their ride. Dave’s hankering for a more techno version of Greensleeves.

The Good, the Bad, and the Rugby

Clint Eastwood is directing a new film about Nelson Mandela. Playing the Enemy, will include the historic 1995 World Cup Final between the Springboks and All Blacks. Any dramatic rugby players who know their limitations, yet still feel lucky, dial 0800 MAKEMYTEAM

Urine trouble

John Malot, of Napier has turned himself in after surveillance of him peeing on a parking meter was made public. The lad, dubbed,” the Piddler on the Roof”, was remorseful, but claimed everyone does it. Local meter maids will now be wearing rubber gloves from sunrise to sunset.

M2F seeks Position

Wairarapa’s former MP Georgina Beyer, the world's first transsexual politician, has left politics, disillusioned. She had not been appointed to any boards and was forced onto the dole. “I have all this accumulated knowledge and experience and no one wants to employ it, and I'm not sure why," she said.
Thanks, Writer Dude
The next Lonley Planet Travel Guide will be giving a big gold star to Nelson. Author, Charles Rawlings-Way, describes Nelson as "bright, optimistic and worldly; a gourmet city in appeal." In the book, he describes it as an "alternate-lifestyle epicentre", where "artsy, dreadlocked wanderers mooch between cafes and coffee carts.”

Sunday, August 17, 2008

And All That Could Not Sink Or Swim Were Just Left There To Float

I used to think the greatest "sideman" type job was Ed McMahon's on the Johnny Carson Show. Ed would just sit on the couch, stay awake and occasionally blurt out a "Hi -Yo". From that, he made millions and got to enjoy many brushes with greatness, not to mention the great Mr. Jerry Lewis (may he eventually rest in peace).

Ed had a good run, but must have been as stupid as he looked because he is currently in deep shit financially. His next appearance will be as a mumbling greeter at Trump Casino in Atlantic City. He will tell himself he is happy and lucky to be in the employ of Mr. The Donald.

Another sweet gig would be Tiger Wood's caddy, Steve Williams. This guy is the highest paid sportsman in New Zealand...and he doesn't even play anything. But he gets 10% of Woods' checks. And 10% of a gazillion is a kabillion. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

But today, after watching Michael Phelps doggy paddle his way to his eighth gold medal, the new world's greatest sideman is his agent.

Phelps could be vice president if he so chooses. Either of the presumed candidates could use a true All American Hero on the ticket. Plus, he wins Michigan and has an extremely positive relationship with China. In addition, he is outside the beltway, not politics as usual from Mike. The only lobby we would need to worry about would be Speedo.

This Phelps has carte blanche and at ten percent, the agent will be signing him up to endorse everything in the world including Wheaties, McDonald's, Ben and Jerry's, Posturepedic Mattresses, and Ambien.

I just realized that although there are a few slight differences, Michael and I are a lot the same. See the following tale of the tape


age 23

ht. 6'4

wt. 165

shoe 14

body fat 8%


age 61

ht. 5'10

wt. 180

shoe 10.5

body fat 28%
(Choosing not to document shame, there will be no picture of the author wearing a Speedo. However, indeed, such a photo exists. Kimberly refuses to tell me where she hid it. She says if there are any brothers out there with some extra ching ching ching to spare, she is open to purchase offers.)

OK, maybe you can't see the similarity from those mere facts. However I just read all about his daily regimen. He eats 12,000 high fat calories, sleeps and swims.

I do believe I have a 67% Michael Phelps lifestyle going pretty smoothly.

Due to not wasting valuable endorsement time swimming, I have total availability

Agents may contact me by phone or email.

Operators are standing by.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Words He Knows Are All Obscene But It's All Right

I know the true "Wordsmith" in the family is Barry, followed closely by Rick. But this is small town and writers are scarce, I guess. One day at the market, I managed to run into the editor of the local Glossy Mag, Wild Tomato (pronounced ..toe mah toe). For some reason, he asked me to write a long article about the local Saturday market. I will toss that in next time. He also asked me to create a monthly column where I make little jokes about news from our area. Believe me, I have no idea why he chose moi, but here is the column for next month:

At Least It Wasn’t Half a Spider

While rolling a cigarette, Tosca Bayly of Ward, discovered a dead Australian spider in her tobacco pouch. British American Tobacco Co. claims that, unlike the rest of their product, the arachnid was harmless. Bayly will continue to puff. However, she is switching to Camels.

She Will Now Be Mango Does the Tango in Mapua

New Plymouth Judge Rob Murfitt ordered that a girl be put into guardianship so her name - Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii - can be changed. The 9-year old happily sashayed from the courtroom. No such luck for youngsters Kaos, Spiral Cicada, and Cinderella Beauty Blossom, who will continue their lives of ridicule.

This Little Piggy Went To Marlborough

A Blenheim couple has admitted to releasing their pet guinea pigs into the wilds of Pollard Park. Their goal was to make them the country’s happiest rodents. Animals are now in the hands of the SPCA, out of danger from feral cats. Snuggles and Fluffy had no comment.

A Year in The Joint

Hokitika cannabis dealer, Gavin Wallace has been sentenced to home detention for one year after he was caught in a sting operation. The search yielded $63,000 of pot. For the next 365 days, Wallace will be lounging on his couch enjoying that wacky weed police failed to discover in his freezer.

He’s Willin’

Truck driver Peter Leslie McRae of Wakefield faces a stiff penalty for driving 25 hours in a row without a break. He was able to accomplish this deed by simultaneously working for two separate companies. Next year, McRae hopes to compete in the Indy 500 while sleeping on Scott Dixon’s lap.

Yo, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Mac’s

When Christchurch man, Haydon Tibbotts, drove his car onto Waikuku Beach, he was not expecting a “wave surge” to founder his vehicle. With nothing left to do but “celebrate the sinking of the ship”, he sat in the tiny Titanic and drank slathers of beers. When later charged by police, Tibbotts claimed to be Jack Sparrow.

Jive Squawkin’

Nelson’s Peter Masdan, who recently performed on “Stars In Their Eyes”, did not impress a certain reviewer. His imitation of Bee Gee, Barry Gibb, was compared to “a rooster on nitrous oxygen”. Masdan is threatening a lawsuit. He will be asking for a coop full of chooks and 10 large bags of corn.

Adorable Snowman?

New Zealand hero, Sir Edmund Hillary, not only conquered Everest, he also brought back some coarse animal hairs. Turns out they could be the best evidence ever that the elusive Yeti exists. A team of beauticians, armed with industrial strength conditioning products is preparing an ascent sometime next year.

Windfall Profit

We’ve all see the dramatic tree falling video captured by Dave Finlay during the August storm. “Near Miss In Nelson” made it to YouTube and has had over 100,000 hits. The footage has been bought up by Jeep Corp for an advertisement. Mr. Finlay is thinking about getting a Hummer.
I guess I will hear from some wordsmith out there with some disparaging comment. And as Rick knows, I welcome insults as long as they are aimed at me.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Just A Box Of Rain, Wind And Water

Earlier this week, New Zealand was hit with a cold cycloney storm full of heavy rain and 85 mph winds. Nelson, normally a haven, was not spared. Kimberly and I locked down everything we could, blasted the heat and stayed inside watching trees bend like they were doing yoga.
We hoped the tremendous wind would not knock some body's tree into the house.

Turns out that happen to many many folks all over the counrty.

Fortunately, we escaped all damage, but the town and country were hit with millions of dollars in destruction. Water service was cut off and some people still have no electric afer 4 days. The cleanup will take quite a while and everyone is pitching in.

The country's biggest story seems to have come from a falling tree right in the center of our town. It was about 50 feet tall and very old. Weighted down with water and pushed hard by wind, it gave up the fight and began to topple. All was caught on video by a passerby, Dave Finlay.

The drama came as a car just made it under the tree before it crashed to the pavement. The video ended up on YouTube and has gone around the world with 75,000 hits already. You can add to the total:

Turns out the driver, Paul Thomas, had suffered a near death accident about ten years ago. To be killed by a falling tree would have been the final insult.

That's it for now.. happy 61 to Howard Diamond in Alaska. You are that much closer to outliving The Shu.