Saturday, October 27, 2007

Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

I suppose you all were thrown for as big a loop as I was when J.K. Rowlings revealed this week that Albus Dumbledore is gay.

I was shocked, shocked!

I have read all 7 novels, I practically felt as if I was Harry most of the time. And to think that he spent so much alone with that old pervert... I shudder wondering about the true meaning of "The Sword of Gryffindor" or where "The Elder Wand" was hidden (on a nightly basis).

Was the name of the sport Queerdditch?

(Hey, Wild Bill, I could keep this up all day)

Well, they pulled the Cloak of Invisibility over me this time, but there's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says., "Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - You can't get fooled again."

So I have done deep research into this whole issue of the gay agenda involving imaginary characters and you will be amazed at the truths I have uncovered. For those of you with small children or sensitivities regarding pooftahs, skip this post and go elsewhere.

Let's start with the Teletubbies. A big deal was made by Rev. Jerry Falwell about Tinky Winky being a little fuzzy homo. But actually, he was just holding Dipsy's purse while the Dipster spent some time in the bathroom stall tapping his foot.

Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street were 2 straight men simple sharing expenses as they were unable to find regular work. Big Bird was also innocent. The fag on the street was none other than than The Count. Turns out he likes to suck more than blood.

Let's go to Batman and Robin. How many times have we heard rumors about these two? Well, there is absolutely no evidence that they were anything but millionaire, Bruce Wayne and his ward, Dick Grayson. The rainbow warrior in this one is none other than Commissioner Gordon.
Apparently he spent his early years on the vice squad and really put up a stink when he was transferred to the city crime desk.

Everybody suspected Gilligan of being a little light in the deck shoes.

But the truth is, Mrs. Howell was a big lesbo. Lovey and Ginger had a one night stand that is in one of the lost episodes. That Ginger, she would try anything with anybody. The Professor knew all about it, but he remained discreet.

In the Wizard of Oz, you would have suspected the Cowardly Lion, but the real "Friend of Dorothy" was the mayor of Munchkin land. He munched plenty of his kin, if you know what I mean. Also, at least half of the flying monkeys were sniffing each other's butts even while airborne.

Here are some more gay imaginary characters that might surprise you:

In The Fantastic Four - The Human Torch is the flamer

Beetle Baily - Yeah, it's Beetle Baily

Peanuts - Sally Brown... always had front row tickets to Indigo Girls concerts for her and her "partner", Little Lulu

From Howdy Doody, I am outing Chief Thunderthud, who was actually the model for the Indian guy in the Village People. "Kowabonga" is queer code for anal sex. The Village People, by the by, are all straight, very savvy businessmen who saw a niche and filled it. Another note, Tonto also rode sidesaddle.

From Pinocchio - Not Jiminy Cricket, but Monstro, the Whale...big fag

Mr. Rogers was thought to be homosexual for years, but the fagalah on the show was hand puppet, King Friday. It was certainly a beautiful day in the neighborhood for him when he got a stiff fist up his bum. As a footnote, King Friday lost his throne and his wealth, and died of AIDS at age 58.

Pee-wee Herman is a manly man as is well known. The homo on the show was Chairy, the chair. He was a "bottom" who who certainly got more than his share of ass.

Speaking of inanimate imaginary characters, the first gay one of these appeared on Captain Kangaroo in the late fifties. Yes, to Grandfather Clock it was always time for male on male enjoyment. Those were busy hands indeed. He currently stands in the corner of a San Francisco nursing home.

Wild Bill, you know I could go on and on.

But the point is that for years we have been subliminally exposed to imaginary characters of questionable gender orientation. What kind of message does this to send the children? I am happy, at least, that a Massachusetts school has banned the Harry Potter books due to that Queen, Dubledore. This is a step in the right direction.

I'm going to leave you now to go kick some Munchkin ass.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

How Fragile We Are

Sandy Snow

So long, old gal. You were the best of us.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Losing My Religion

God bless Ann Coulter.

As many of you know, Ann Coulter was on the Donny Deutsch talk show last week and claimed, repeatedly, that everything would be better if Semites would just become Christians. The dialogue is all over the internets. She said we Jews should be "perfected".

As much as I tried to look this up, I could not find a good definition for the phrase. So I will assume it means that one becomes more perfect if one chooses to be a Christian. Especially if that "one" is a swarthy, big nosed Hebrew.

Most of the Jewish organizations and many Christian ones too are coming down very hard on Ms. Coulter for these "so-called" racist remarks. Jews feel insulted by her words. In fact, Brian, a friend of mine said, "I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose. I'm kosher, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!"

We are still waiting to hear from Al Sharpton.

However, I have searched my soul and decided that perhaps Ann is making "perfect" sense.

The Jews have been a universally hated group since long before they killed Christ. Hell, even Jews hate the Jews! So why not switch over and play for the other team?

What have we got to lose but our heritage and tradition?

Ann correctly informs us that Jews have way too many rules to follow in order to get to heaven. They have hundreds and hundreds. I'm surely breaking one now because I write this on a Sunday in New Zealand, but it is still Saturday in America and Jews are not supposed to do anything on a Saturday except pray and eat unleavened bread and run from pigs.

Finally, when they die and maybe if they have followed every law, they get in a long line to get on some sort of cattle car to heaven. As often has been the case, Jews are not sure where the train goes.

Ann tells us that Christians are on the "fast track" because all they need to do to get to heaven is recognize Jesus as their saviour.

Done and done.

When the rapture comes, a slight tug on the hair swoops Christians up to Heaven to sit on God's lap for eternity. And trust me, he has a very sizable lap.

Of course, perfected Jews probably have to sit next to Sammy Davis Jr. and listen to him sing about Mr. Bojangles for a few millennium, but it still beats the alternative.

The rest, especially non-perfected Jews, Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, and Homos will all get sucked down to H..E..double hockey sticks where the lucky ones get to luxuriate in spa pools filled with bubbling molten lava.

So I am now seriously considering becoming a Christian.

Except I have a few minor questions.

I know, I know; one of the few rules of Christianity is not to question anything. Questions create confusion; just have faith. But the fading Jewishness in my curious soul still wants to know a couple things. So here goes:

Do I need to give 10% of my money to the church? Which church needs the money the most? I heard that I could just throw cash up to the sky and whatever God wants, he can keep. The rest will fall to the ground. I tried this today and I guess he had a good week because he let me keep it all. Does this make me a sinner? Perhaps I can donate my Bar Mitzvah money to Oral Roberts University.

Can I use my yarmulke as a coffee filter? Or would the coffee be too jewey tasting? What if I use holy water?

As a Christian, I now hate abortionists. But if one of these guys is murdering a Jewish baby, is it still advisable to kill him... or should I wait until he finishes?

I have some (former) homosexual friends. How large a cross do I burn on their front lawn? What if they live in an apartment? If a Jew owns the apartment, is it OK to torch the entire place to the ground? Do lesbians count?

As I will need to find a good plastic surgeon to have my nose bobbed...I will be forced to hire a Jewish one because everyone knows all surgeons are of that persuasion. How soon after my nose heals do I kill the doctor?

If everyone is Christian, who will control the media? Will there still be Seinfeld reruns? Should I now forgive Kramer?

Now that I hate Bill Clinton, how should I feel about blow jobs? (Please answer quickly).

Is there a reverse operation for circumcision? Does it hurt as much as I think it will? If a Jewish doctor performs the surgery, when do I kill him?

Kimberly is a big fan of Yoga and as a Christian, I know is the devil's workout. How can I get her to change to something more holy, like quilting or square dancing? Or should I just kill her?

I like Bagels. Are they off the menu? What is the best brand of white bread, mayonnaise, canned ham, etc. Again, a fast answer because I am hungry at this time and have no pork products in the icebox. By the way, exactly what is "Spam"?

How many times do I need to rent "The Passion of the Christ" to be forgiven by Mel Gibson for being a "fucking Jew responsible for all the wars in the world"?

Can we change the constitution quickly enough to allow George Bush to run for a third term? Suddenly, I love that visionary guy.

As a creationist, can I still like monkeys, or are they out? Were there monkeys on the Ark? Did they throw their feces at Noah or his wife, Joan?

If I perform an exorcist on a Jew and they vomit pea soup at me, would it be considered kosher or can I eat it?

If I am "born again", do I get a new birthday? Is anything available in May? Will there be cake and can I have another piece? Possibly one with a lot of frosting?

What is the most important factor to consider when selecting a bowling ball..weight or color?

If our readers have any questions, please put them in the comments and we will see that Ann gets them.

I remain yours in Christ...God bless the US and A. Oakley-Doakley neighbor!

Saturday, October 06, 2007

The Bus Came By And I Got On, That's When It All Began

(This is Kimberly's post. She is making her rare contribution of which there will hopefully be more. It's not easy coming up with these things every week.)

Friday was my first real outing experience as a volunteer chaperone with CANTEEN. We were to go swimming with the dolphins in the Marlborough Sounds.

The van was leaving at 8 am. Kiwis are VERY punctual. I decided to walk to town to save the trouble of parking. Nelson has metered parking with 2 hour limits. The walk took a few minutes longer than I reckoned and I just managed to jump on the bus as they were pulling out of the carpark.

In the van were 4 kids and 3 adults. More members were to show up at the docks in Picton.

It is a 2 hour drive past 25 wineries, where the award winning vines are starting to bloom. We had no time to stop for samples. Kiwis are punctual.

In Picton, we got on the huge catamaran and everyone was getting fitted for their wetsuits. I declined as my intention for the day was to sit back and observe, take photos and witness adolescent behavior, an age with which I have no familiarity.

Waters were calm and skies were clear. For the next 90 minutes, boys and girls separated from themselves. On the deck the young men peeled their wetsuits to the waist and flexed their young muscles. Eventually this drew the girls outside of the cabin.

Let the games begin.

This was my chance to blend in with the group. I used the camera as a tool to ask some questions and get the kids together. Every time I tried to take a picture of the boys, they would not stop flexing.

What’s up with that?

Every time I tried to photograph the girls, they turned their faces away.

What’s up with that?

Remarkably, after 2 hours on the beautiful still waters, we had seen none of the 4 different kinds of dolphins that thrive in the Sounds. The captain and mate had no explanation. So we stopped at lovely point to share biscuits and tea.

Then back we headed for 2 hours to the dock, where the director and I ran off to a takeaway for pizza, fish and chips, soda… healthy kid food. As we ate, we played Good Day – Bad Day to announce how we felt about the experience. Most claimed it was bad that there were no dolphins.
I said it was bad because the food was stuff I never eat… it was too greasy for my diet. But I must admit, the chips were sinfully delightful.

The ride home was uneventful except for when we passed a large bus pulled over to the side of the rode. Outside were 15 men in kilts all pissing over the mountain cliff.

What’s up with that?

It all happened so fast, I had no time to take a picture. Sorry.

Back in Nelson, I had a lovely walk home in the sunset.

What I took away was that on top of being adolescents, these guys have to live with cancer, chemotherapy, and surgery. All the same, they seem just like any kid on the street. They’re beautiful, look healthy and do not want to be treated any differently. If they have scars, they are keeping them inside. I can’t know if I could show the same brave face.