Come Out, Come Out, Wherever You Are

I suppose you all were thrown for as big a loop as I was when J.K. Rowlings revealed this week that Albus Dumbledore is gay.

I was shocked, shocked!

I have read all 7 novels, I practically felt as if I was Harry most of the time. And to think that he spent so much alone with that old pervert... I shudder wondering about the true meaning of "The Sword of Gryffindor" or where "The Elder Wand" was hidden (on a nightly basis).

Was the name of the sport Queerdditch?

(Hey, Wild Bill, I could keep this up all day)

Well, they pulled the Cloak of Invisibility over me this time, but there's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says., "Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - You can't get fooled again."

So I have done deep research into this whole issue of the gay agenda involving imaginary characters and you will be amazed at the truths I have uncovered. For those of you with small children or sensitivities regarding pooftahs, skip this post and go elsewhere.

Let's start with the Teletubbies. A big deal was made by Rev. Jerry Falwell about Tinky Winky being a little fuzzy homo. But actually, he was just holding Dipsy's purse while the Dipster spent some time in the bathroom stall tapping his foot.

Bert and Ernie of Sesame Street were 2 straight men simple sharing expenses as they were unable to find regular work. Big Bird was also innocent. The fag on the street was none other than than The Count. Turns out he likes to suck more than blood.

Let's go to Batman and Robin. How many times have we heard rumors about these two? Well, there is absolutely no evidence that they were anything but millionaire, Bruce Wayne and his ward, Dick Grayson. The rainbow warrior in this one is none other than Commissioner Gordon.

Apparently he spent his early years on the vice squad and really put up a stink when he was transferred to the city crime desk.

Everybody suspected Gilligan of being a little light in the deck shoes.

But the truth is, Mrs. Howell was a big lesbo. Lovey and Ginger had a one night stand that is in one of the lost episodes. That Ginger, she would try anything with anybody. The Professor knew all about it, but he remained discreet.

In the Wizard of Oz, you would have suspected the Cowardly Lion, but the real "Friend of Dorothy" was the mayor of Munchkin land. He munched plenty of his kin, if you know what I mean. Also, at least half of the flying monkeys were sniffing each other's butts even while airborne.

Here are some more gay imaginary characters that might surprise you:

In The Fantastic Four - The Human Torch is the flamer

Beetle Baily - Yeah, it's Beetle Baily

Peanuts - Sally Brown... always had front row tickets to Indigo Girls concerts for her and her "partner", Little Lulu

From Howdy Doody, I am outing Chief Thunderthud, who was actually the model for the Indian guy in the Village People. "Kowabonga" is queer code for anal sex. The Village People, by the by, are all straight, very savvy businessmen who saw a niche and filled it. Another note, Tonto also rode sidesaddle.

From Pinocchio - Not Jiminy Cricket, but Monstro, the Whale...big fag

Mr. Rogers was thought to be homosexual for years, but the fagalah on the show was hand puppet, King Friday. It was certainly a beautiful day in the neighborhood for him when he got a stiff fist up his bum. As a footnote, King Friday lost his throne and his wealth, and died of AIDS at age 58.

Pee-wee Herman is a manly man as is well known. The homo on the show was Chairy, the chair. He was a "bottom" who who certainly got more than his share of ass.

Speaking of inanimate imaginary characters, the first gay one of these appeared on Captain Kangaroo in the late fifties. Yes, to Grandfather Clock it was always time for male on male enjoyment. Those were busy hands indeed. He currently stands in the corner of a San Francisco nursing home.

Wild Bill, you know I could go on and on.

But the point is that for years we have been subliminally exposed to imaginary characters of questionable gender orientation. What kind of message does this to send the children? I am happy, at least, that a Massachusetts school has banned the Harry Potter books due to that Queen, Dubledore. This is a step in the right direction.

I'm going to leave you now to go kick some Munchkin ass.