Got Two Good Eyes But We Still Don't See

Since I was a teenager, I have worn glasses. I could see great close up for reading and threading needles, but when it came to driving or watching movies, I needed some optical assistance. For a while, my brother-in-law, Jeff, made glasses.

He called glasses "eye wear".

The name of his store was SPECS. Everyone in the family got their eye wear from him.

But I think the big corporate boys like Lenscrafters eventually put SPECS out of business because Jeff is now an investment banker.

I hope he is able to hold on to his hat.

About the time SPECS was no longer a place to get lenses at a family discount, my brother Barry decided to get that new-fangled LASIK surgery. He somehow was able to convince himself to unlock his spider web encased, dust laden vault and remove over 4 thousand dollars for the surgery.

Barry still has the first nickel he ever earned and is squeezing it tightly for fear of spending it on necessities and thus, falling into poverty, therefore, being forced to live on the filthy streets of Denver in a shoebox.

So eye surgery was a very important necessity.

I remember being in the operating room when he got it done. It was like watching A Clockwork Orange while wearing scrubs.

Sometime during the next month or two, I decided to get Lasik for myself.

My doc was the famous Dr. Michael Gordon of La Jolla. Nothing but the best for me.

I could have had it in Tijuana, Mexico for the price of a taco dinner. In fact, they made you wear a lobster bib and used a dull machete.

But Dr. Michael Gordon was said to have practically invented the procedure; he had a massive office in the high rent district of the priciest neighborhood in San Diego.

The waiting room was stuffed with the rich men and women of Southern California. The parking lot was crammed with Mercedes and BMWs. Doctor Michael Gordon's receptionist would stamp the ticket to give us all free parking.

And he was Jewish. I was counting on the Hebe discount.

I got bupkis.. he charged 2500...per eye.

Who on earth would only get one eye's worth of correction?

Sammy Davis Jr.?

The days following the surgery proved to be pretty bad. Everything had a fuzzy glow. Dr. Michael Gordon checked my eyes and informed me that I had astigmatism, but a second procedure 3 months later fixed that up and I could see the flag on the green of a par five when I was standing on the tee.

About 10 shots later, I could see the ball drop into the hole.

The new problem was, I immediately needed to get reading glasses. My corneas were reversed. I am sure Dr. Michael Gordon mentioned this pre-op, but I was not paying close attention to small details.

So for many years, I have needed reading glasses. They have gone from 1.50 up to 2.75. For the uninformed, these numbers mean I now can't see shit without these readers and it keeps getting worse.

Everyone tends to buy the cheap ones because they get lost or scratched and you require many of them to put in all the rooms of the house so you don't need to go hunting. Kimberly has them also so there are probably 8 all over the place.

I still can't find one stinkin' pair when I want to read something.

Well, a few months ago, I noticed a blur over everything near or far. What..what... what?? Hey! I had 5 thousand dollar LASIK surgery from the famous Jewish doctor, Michael Gordon.... what gives?

My new eye doctor, Neil Esposito, whose is famous for nothing, examined my eyes and informed me I have astigmatism. I'm really not sure what that is, but I've had it more times than chicken pox.

The end result of all this is a pair of prescription glasses that used to be called bifocals. Now they call them progressives, which are bifocals with a baby boomer attitude.

I have to learn to look through them correctly. If I move my head or eyes too quickly, everything looks like a no-fun house.

I hate to be the one to tell Barry he may have made a poor investment.

And so it goes.

Rugby update:

Game 1 - NZ - 76 Spain -14

Game 2 = NZ - 108 Portugal - 13

All Blacks crush the Iberian Peninsula worse than the Romans during the 2nd Punic War.