Sunday, October 14, 2007

Losing My Religion

God bless Ann Coulter.

As many of you know, Ann Coulter was on the Donny Deutsch talk show last week and claimed, repeatedly, that everything would be better if Semites would just become Christians. The dialogue is all over the internets. She said we Jews should be "perfected".

As much as I tried to look this up, I could not find a good definition for the phrase. So I will assume it means that one becomes more perfect if one chooses to be a Christian. Especially if that "one" is a swarthy, big nosed Hebrew.

Most of the Jewish organizations and many Christian ones too are coming down very hard on Ms. Coulter for these "so-called" racist remarks. Jews feel insulted by her words. In fact, Brian, a friend of mine said, "I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose. I'm kosher, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!"

We are still waiting to hear from Al Sharpton.

However, I have searched my soul and decided that perhaps Ann is making "perfect" sense.

The Jews have been a universally hated group since long before they killed Christ. Hell, even Jews hate the Jews! So why not switch over and play for the other team?

What have we got to lose but our heritage and tradition?

Ann correctly informs us that Jews have way too many rules to follow in order to get to heaven. They have hundreds and hundreds. I'm surely breaking one now because I write this on a Sunday in New Zealand, but it is still Saturday in America and Jews are not supposed to do anything on a Saturday except pray and eat unleavened bread and run from pigs.

Finally, when they die and maybe if they have followed every law, they get in a long line to get on some sort of cattle car to heaven. As often has been the case, Jews are not sure where the train goes.

Ann tells us that Christians are on the "fast track" because all they need to do to get to heaven is recognize Jesus as their saviour.

Done and done.

When the rapture comes, a slight tug on the hair swoops Christians up to Heaven to sit on God's lap for eternity. And trust me, he has a very sizable lap.

Of course, perfected Jews probably have to sit next to Sammy Davis Jr. and listen to him sing about Mr. Bojangles for a few millennium, but it still beats the alternative.

The rest, especially non-perfected Jews, Atheists, Muslims, Buddhists, and Homos will all get sucked down to H..E..double hockey sticks where the lucky ones get to luxuriate in spa pools filled with bubbling molten lava.

So I am now seriously considering becoming a Christian.

Except I have a few minor questions.

I know, I know; one of the few rules of Christianity is not to question anything. Questions create confusion; just have faith. But the fading Jewishness in my curious soul still wants to know a couple things. So here goes:

Do I need to give 10% of my money to the church? Which church needs the money the most? I heard that I could just throw cash up to the sky and whatever God wants, he can keep. The rest will fall to the ground. I tried this today and I guess he had a good week because he let me keep it all. Does this make me a sinner? Perhaps I can donate my Bar Mitzvah money to Oral Roberts University.

Can I use my yarmulke as a coffee filter? Or would the coffee be too jewey tasting? What if I use holy water?

As a Christian, I now hate abortionists. But if one of these guys is murdering a Jewish baby, is it still advisable to kill him... or should I wait until he finishes?

I have some (former) homosexual friends. How large a cross do I burn on their front lawn? What if they live in an apartment? If a Jew owns the apartment, is it OK to torch the entire place to the ground? Do lesbians count?

As I will need to find a good plastic surgeon to have my nose bobbed...I will be forced to hire a Jewish one because everyone knows all surgeons are of that persuasion. How soon after my nose heals do I kill the doctor?

If everyone is Christian, who will control the media? Will there still be Seinfeld reruns? Should I now forgive Kramer?

Now that I hate Bill Clinton, how should I feel about blow jobs? (Please answer quickly).

Is there a reverse operation for circumcision? Does it hurt as much as I think it will? If a Jewish doctor performs the surgery, when do I kill him?

Kimberly is a big fan of Yoga and as a Christian, I know is the devil's workout. How can I get her to change to something more holy, like quilting or square dancing? Or should I just kill her?

I like Bagels. Are they off the menu? What is the best brand of white bread, mayonnaise, canned ham, etc. Again, a fast answer because I am hungry at this time and have no pork products in the icebox. By the way, exactly what is "Spam"?

How many times do I need to rent "The Passion of the Christ" to be forgiven by Mel Gibson for being a "fucking Jew responsible for all the wars in the world"?

Can we change the constitution quickly enough to allow George Bush to run for a third term? Suddenly, I love that visionary guy.

As a creationist, can I still like monkeys, or are they out? Were there monkeys on the Ark? Did they throw their feces at Noah or his wife, Joan?

If I perform an exorcist on a Jew and they vomit pea soup at me, would it be considered kosher or can I eat it?

If I am "born again", do I get a new birthday? Is anything available in May? Will there be cake and can I have another piece? Possibly one with a lot of frosting?

What is the most important factor to consider when selecting a bowling ball..weight or color?

If our readers have any questions, please put them in the comments and we will see that Ann gets them.

I remain yours in Christ...God bless the US and A. Oakley-Doakley neighbor!


At 8:33 PM, Blogger Eyal said...

Wow. This is a change of direction ... are you still in NZ :-)

At 5:14 AM, Anonymous robin said...

As you are going through these cleansings and questions, along the way can we also remove Mitt Romney....pleassssssse?

At 5:59 AM, Blogger Head Monkey said...

You're JEWISH???? What the...! I didn't know that! This changes everything! I have to evaluate a couple of things. Jewish??!!!?? Jesus H. Christ! I never knew...


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