Sunday, March 22, 2009

Doctor Filth, He Keeps His World Inside Of A Leather Cup

It didn't take very log to settle the Social Security situation. I was able to communicate with Donna Adams through email and in a thrice, $142 was deposited into my USA account. I am assuming this will be a monthly amount for life. However, a letter to me is in the mail that will clarify things. I know $142 is not a lot, but as was mentioned, I really don't deserve much. Plus it is taxable income and hopefully not subject to the new 90% bonus penalty.

I have also found myself getting depressed about the US economy. We are mainly worried about the Boy Brandon as he always has sales jobs. And we don't even live there so I think would be much more stressful in California than Nelson.

My problem is the fault of the vast right wing media conspiracy and I think we have come up with a painful solution.

The other day, we were watching a program on The Documentary Channel about a guy that was addicted to sex. The bad part was, it was not with his wife but with other women he would meet on phone sex lines and Internet sites. Actually he was so busy having outside sex that he only hooked up with his mate once a year, whether she needed it or not.

They were from Arizona and we were trying to think if we knew them, but no such luck.

The guy was not much to look at, but his wife thought he was the greatest and instead of choking him in his sleep, she convinced him to go to a famous therapist in Colorado, who has been on Oprah.

He has a book out called Get A Grip, a title whose humor will be soon clear to all.

This "Dr. Doug" was pure bullshit. He had a beautifully appointed office and wore fine tailored suits. He said he was a former sex addict and he knew the cure.

Things started with the husband being forced to take a lie detector test containing wonderful questions about numbers of women, different sexual positions and masturbation.

There was a lot of sissy crying, but for what it was worth, he told the truth.

After 3 days, we learned that "Dr. Doug" is a huge Christian with a Jew name. He made the victim confess to a vacant folding chair that represented the son of the Lord. Of course, there much flowing of girly tears. The prayer could not be silent, but had to be sayeth out loud.

Jesus must be getting hard of hearing after all these years.

Also, holding the sausage hostage is completely out...forever. "Dr. Doug" claims he has not tenderized his meat for the last 18 years. The couple believed him, but Kimberly and I were doubtful.

In addition, hubby must keep having lie detector tests. If he firms his worm or is ever untrue, his wife gets a day at the spa. If it was our house, Kimberly would be handing me a supply of hand lotion with regularity.

He also agreed to have sex with his wife at least once a week. She wanted 2, but he negotiated it down.

Only "Dr. Doug" and Jesus know what this cure costs. It has to be in the thousands just to keep "Dr. Doug" in quotation marks.

With all that in mind, I realized I have an obsession with Fox News which I inherited from my father. I have to go into the office where Kim cannot hear, and watch that bold, stale piece of shit, O'Reilly, chubby fingered Hannity, Sarah Palin's best friend, Van Susteren, the idiots on the panel at Fox and Friends, and the new complete time destroying freak, Glen Beck.

Beck pushed me over the edge. I knew I was an addict when I couldn't stop looking into those giant eyes. He nearly made me forget Shepard Smith.

I'm sure, in the US, I would also have the radio constantly tuned to that fat fuck, Rush.

So we have agreed that to save whatever I have left of a rational mind, I will not watch Fox. I will watch CNN, Jon Stewart and Colbert. In addition, I am allowed a website called We Watch Fox News So You Don't Have To.

At this point, no lie detector test are required. But I must tell Kimberly if I cheated and had purient thought about Ann Coulter.

If I break my word, I have to fly to Colorado and give "Dr. Doug" a "hand job".

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

No Money For Old Men

When Americans turn 62, they are entitled to start collecting social security. This is money which we pay into the system over the many years of hard labor. We all get annual reports that explain how much we should expect to get from the gubmint every month for the rest of our lives.

The happy retired old man images I have always conjured up are like the guys in Cialis ads

Since I worked as a teacher where we have a separate California pension, I did not contribute to social security during those years. As a result, because of my other employment during my life, I can only expect to pick up about $400 per month.

So of course, I applied the other day. The online form contained many pages of questions which I uncharacteristically answered with complete honesty. I then sat back and relaxed, waiting to start piling up the shekels.

But, whoa there cowboy, it does not work that way.

I got a communication that I was to contact a Donna Adams at Social Security to discuss some "issues"

When I attempted to return the call, all I got was a recorded message that all the agents were busy and that I should call back or leave a message. So I kept calling back, like 100 times, always getting the same result.
I started to smell trouble brewing.

Finally I left a voicemail and asked Donna Adams to email me with her questions.
She dutifully did that today. Donna queried me about my California teacher's pension and also had some unnerving questions regarding my former spouse, Marilyn. Again, I responded with integrity.

My gut is telling me that because I already get a pension from California, which I paid in to, I will have my 400 dollars reduced significantly. I think in the end, I will get zero.

Which I suppose is what I deserve. I'll report the result in the near future.