Saturday, April 26, 2008

Feets Don't Fail Me Now

Thank G-d they're just dreams!

We all have them and we don't always know what they mean. Most men probably visualize trains going through tunnels all night or throwing winning touchdown passes. They are so obvious and simple.

But women are different and more mysterious. I don't know what the others dream about, but often mine are quite scary.

For example, my recurring "Help me, help me!" dream, where I am pursued by a faceless stranger who is trying to hurt me. I am lying in bed and I see a shadow going around the perimeter and tucking me in tighter and tighter and I can't get out. I am packed in there like stuffing in a Thanksgiving turkey. Then he will be able to do me harm.

Another way he gets me is by massaging my carotid arteries decreasing blood flow and oxygen to the brain until I faint. This is sort of like the "Sleeper Hold" made famous by WWF wrestlers. Then he will be able to do me harm.

I feel like I am starring in that picture, The Scream.

In my sleep, I yell, "Help me! Help me!" until Mike has to shake me into awareness. This happens about 3 times a year.

Any time we go to a hotel, I must untuck the tight sheets or I will not get in.
The maid must think we had a hell of a night.

Now, as some of you may know, I do a lot with my feet. For example, yoga 5 times a week, StairMaster and spinning class twice a week . Plus I do a lot of walking. In addition, I often need to kick Mike's ass to remind him who is boss. So my feet are very important to me. I pride myself on my well manicured size 7 appendages. Jeff "Toot,Toot" Miller has even commented on their cuteness. (Could he be the stranger???)

Back to my scary dreams...last evening, I had the Mother of all Nightmares. My young Kiwi physician, Dr. Mawdsley, was recommending that I amputate my foot to prevent complications and pain in the future. He said he was planning to do his own foot when the time came. I don't know which foot it was, but it was one of the pair that I needed.

I was so traumatized with the thought of losing a foot... no more yoga other than Vrksasana (Tree Pose). StairMaster would be twice as hard. It would have to be Hopmaster. When I kicked Mike's ass, I would fall over, giving him a slight advantage.

But most traumatic of all, what scared me the worst was that my brothers, Rick and Barry, would be endlessly mocking me behind my unsteady back. They would give me a new secret codename...PEG. All future gifts would be expensive shoes. Believe me, these boys know a lot of one legged jokes.

So in my dream, I told the doctor to give me drugs and plenty of them and I would deal with the pain. I did not need to scream, "Help me!" I just told the doctor to F- off and left the office on my own 2 feet.

But after pondering a bit, having one foot does have some advantages. Pedicures are quite dear in New Zealand and the price would drop from $60 TO $30. My socks would last twice as long. I could get great roles in pirate films. With a pointy titanium prosthetic, Mike would certainly know who's in charge.

I could also stump that dark stranger.

So Rick and Barry, save the jokes for some other cripple. You know you are not allowed to attack me anyway.

Hey, who knows, maybe I could even marry Paul McCartney now that the other hobbled bitch is out of my way.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

The Greatest Story Ever Told

Shalom, shalom all you boychiks and girl chicks. As you certainly know, unless you are 99% of the population of the planet, this is Passover time.

Ah, Passover, the holiday that celebrates the Jews escaping from slavery in Egypt. The high point comes during a special ritual dinner, called a SEDER.

Before the first night of Passover, all items that are not kosher must be completely removed from the house. This order comes directly from the rule conscious rabbi, whose name is, let's say, Dave.

Foods that rise with yeast are considered TRAYF, out of place. In some orthodox homes women suffering with yeast infections must be stoned until cured.

All breads must be thrown out. Needless to say, this disposing of previously purchased food presents a Jewish dilemma, similar to pork on sale. Thus, for the week before Passover in Hebrew homes all over the world, verily many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are consumed.

To make a long story short....Jews cannot make a long story short, so this ceremony takes forever. I suggest eating a strong snack before getting in the car.

During the "feast", items are sampled that are supposed to remind us of historical events surrounding the Exodus. I still remember them from last year and the year before but apparently the elder Hebes at the table have short memories so here we go again.

At this meal, we must nosh on bitter herbs, parsley in salt water, and extremely hard boiled eggs.

Talk about yummy appetizers.

Also, Jewish wine, usually Mogan David or Manischewitz, is sipped. Welch's Grape Juice may be substituted without penalty.

During the Seder, everyone around the table has to be on their toes as they will be called upon to read aloud from a long, drawn out script book, called the HAGGADAH.

It's like dinner theatre from Hell.

So this year, put down the charoset, recline back in your chair, and give a listen as Uncle Lucky tells the real story of Passover.

It all started in Egypt on 7 Adar 2368, a Tuesday, the day Moses was born. Unfortunately, the administration of the day was enforcing the annual slaying of the first born Hebrew boys. Ironically, the Pharaoh's name was Ramses Bush II.

Moses' mother hid him for a while but then decided to put him in a wicker basket she got from Pier One and float him down the Nile. Since his sister had recently passed a lifeguard class, she trailed the tiny raft from a safe distance. If the baby tipped over, we would be celebrating a completely differently holiday where the women would be giving all the guests mouth-to-mouth.
Apparently, these Hebrews lived right next door to the royal palace because the boy child was collected up by none other than the Pharaoh's daughter, Jenna, who adopted him as her own. Jenna nursed him on her own breast milk mixed with shots of Jagermeister.

** At this time in the Seder, the youngest boy asks the first of the 4 questions, "What about Moses' weenie? Wouldn't that give him away?"

The answer is Yes, Moses was circumcised and thus, would have been revealed as a Jew. But Jenna loved him so much that she told her dad that the disfigurement was the result of a "boating accident". Now, drink your grape juice.

So Moses grew up in the palace with his brother, Yul Brynner, until a brush with the law caused him to become a shepherd. This was an extremely boring job unless you were into beastiality and everyone in the pasture knew Mo was eating peyote buttons to pass the hours. In those days, one ounce of peyote was legal for personal use as long as you got it from an Apache Indian.

Nobody was really surprised when he claimed to talk to a burning Bush. They all figured he thought he was getting high with the Pharaoh. But Moses claimed he was talking to G-d. G-d told him to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.

As we will see, G-d is very pushy in this story.

** note ** Jews cannot write out the word GOD because their early typewriters did not have an "o" key.

After meeting the Lord, Moses stopped using Grecian Formula and changed his name to Charlton Heston. When he demanded that Yul Brynner "let his people go", The Pharaoh balked. He said, "Solving your problems isn't our line."

Second of the 4 questions... "Where were the Mexicans? Aren't they better at labor than the Jews?"

The answer is Yes. No Jew was ever born that could construct a straight wall. Jews don't even own a good set of tools. To a Jew, a butter knife can always substitute for a screwdriver. But the Mexicans were all busy on a pyramid contract in the Yucatan. Now, straighten your yarmulke.

Charlton had a walking stick that somehow was enchanted by G-d. (Later it would be used by Dumbledore.) With the staff, Heston cast 10 plagues against Egypt. Some were blood, boils, frogs (my personal favorite), lice, and darkness. Brynner tried to get the staff away from him, but Heston said, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Pharaoh! You can have my staff when you take it from my cold, dead hands."

The last plague was a doozie. The slaying of the first born of Egypt.

Oh, the irony.

To prevent Kevorkian, the Angel of Death from visiting any Jews, the blood of a lamb was painted on the doorpost. This blood would make the Angel "pass over" the home and go on to another. On that night, blood of lamb cost over 5 dollars a gallon.

Third question..."Why blood? Couldn't the Angel see the mezuzah on the door? The answer is that the Angel of Death had a lot of killing to do in one night and did not have time for details. Now, memorize the next 30 pages of the Haggadah.

Sadly, Yul Brynner lost his son in the night and decided to let the Israelites go.... for a short while.

This leads to another great part of the story where Moses parts the Red Sea and causes all the Egyptians to drown. This was really no big deal because he did a lot of practicing with his staff in his bathtub as a young child. At least that's what he said he was doing for so long in the bathroom.

The giant tribe was moving eastward for a long time and the Bible tells us that eventually, the people began to murmur against Moses. This is why today, to remember the murmuring, all Jews complain vigorously about everything, no matter how trivial.

All the murmuring caused Moses to develop a migraine. He was not feeling well and checked himself into Mt. Sinai Hospital for an extended stay in a semi private room. And Lo! His roomie was none other than G-d.

G-d also murmured against Moses, and coerced him to force upon the Jews the 10 commandments, most of which were self-aggrandizing.

Later, the Christians would claim the commandments as their own.

More irony.

By the time Moses checked out, he had an even bigger headache. Plus his
HMO didn't cover the meds.

In Moses' absence, the Israelites got born again and elected a new G-d called money. They still worship today no matter what they tell you.

As punishment, they lost their GPS and had to wander the desert for 40 years and 40 nights. They would not see a corned beef sandwich for generations and were made to eat Soylent Green and a flat cracker called Matzoh. Matzoh is made without yeast. It is the official Rabbi Dave approved bread of the Passover Seder.

4th question... Is there Matzoh in New Zealand?

The answer is a surprising "YES!" as evidenced by the picture. Aunt Lucky found some at the store and eating it with butter is as close as were are getting to a Seder out here. Now go count your money before it gets cold.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

I'm Uncle Sam, That's Who I Am. I'll Drink Your Health, Share Your Wealth; Run Your Life, Steal Your Wife

I'm loving the current election process going on in the US and A. We get Faux News. Bill O'Stupid and that Sean Insannity are getting more transparent every day.


I am currently convinced that the only place Hillary will not lie is.... in bed with Bill.

B. Hussain Osama is a child who hates White America.

John McCain is God and hath never sinned.

How long until we hear that his millionaire trophy wife was addicted to Vicodan, stole pills from her medical company and fired the whistle blower who narced her out? Rush won't tell you, but look it up.

Coming back to the actual policy issues, how 'bout that Iraq-nam? Looks like the only way to bring those boys home is in a box.
Mission Impossible.

Could that skirmish over there have ANYTHING to do with the failing economy? Where is all that money coming from? Where is it all going? Do you know? Should you know? Or is it more important that Hanoi Jane likes the black guy?
If the mint prints any more money, they're going to run out of green ink.

Health care issues will never be fixed...ever. Build a bridge and get over it. Current stats say that at age 65, you will need $225,000 in future health costs.

Speaking of bridges, illegal immigration used to be a front page issue. Is that silly wall finished? Did that one get taken care of while I was watching a rugby game?

Here are a few good reasons to like New Zealand.

We are not in the coalition of the willing. No tax dollars or soldiers are in Iraq.

Free health care. Period. The only people here with supplemental insurance are Ex-pat Americans. It cost about US 2 grand a year for both of us. Perscription drugs cost about 3 dollars. By the way, somebody tell Cindy McCain to forget Vicodan and get some Voltaren, an over the counter med we have here that is not addictive and cures what ails ya just fine, thanks.

The economy here is good. We just made a free trade agreement with China. Very big deal. Morally questionable, but economically sound. Nobody here talks about recession.

Immigration is a difficult process to get through. Takes about a year and could cost thousands of dollars. We have no borders or walls or fences or patrols. Babies born here are not automatically citizens unless one of the parents is from NZ. Otherwise they go home with madre.

Don't know if this is good or bad, but apparently we have a shitload of oil that has recently been found off the west cost of the South Island.

No pollution. Lots of space and scenery. If there is a God, this is where he/she spends holidays. Most of the 4 million Kiwis like to keep it neat, clean and tidy.

New Zealanders really love their country but don't have to wear lapels or wave flags or pledge allegiance every day in school to prove it to themselves.

No armed citizenry other than hunting rifles. Police don't even use guns. Still low crime rate.

Excellent education system. Everyone here reads and speaks English better than Bush on his best day.

Elections here run about 90 days and we vote for the agenda of the party, not the individual per se. I know in America, it is a popularity contest. Here,it is very issue based. For proof, here is a picture of Helen Clark, our current Prime Minister with America's current dictator.

When I was a kid, we said we had the best country in the world. Today, that mantra is repeated, but it's a lot harder to say with a straight face. Somewhere along the way, The US and A lost the path. Many say the world changed on September 11, 2001. I think it happened on the first Tuesday in November, 2000.

Sometimes you need to get out of America in order to see America.

As Billo asks on The Fear Factor, "Am I wrong, sir?"