Shalom, shalom all you boychiks and girl chicks. As you certainly know, unless you are 99% of the population of the planet, this is Passover time.
Ah, Passover, the holiday that celebrates the Jews escaping from slavery in Egypt. The high point comes during a special ritual dinner, called a SEDER.
Before the first night of Passover, all items that are not kosher must be completely removed from the house. This order comes directly from the rule conscious rabbi, whose name is, let's say, Dave.
Foods that rise with yeast are considered TRAYF, out of place. In some orthodox homes women suffering with yeast infections must be stoned until cured.
All breads must be thrown out. Needless to say, this disposing of previously purchased food presents a Jewish dilemma, similar to pork on sale. Thus, for the week before Passover in Hebrew homes all over the world, verily many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are consumed.
To make a long story short....Jews cannot make a long story short, so this ceremony takes forever. I suggest eating a strong snack before getting in the car.
During the "feast", items are sampled that are supposed to remind us of historical events surrounding the Exodus. I still remember them from last year and the year before but apparently the elder Hebes at the table have short memories so here we go again.
At this meal, we must nosh on bitter herbs, parsley in salt water, and extremely hard boiled eggs.
Talk about yummy appetizers.
Also, Jewish wine, usually Mogan David or Manischewitz, is sipped. Welch's Grape Juice may be substituted without penalty.
During the Seder, everyone around the table has to be on their toes as they will be called upon to read aloud from a long, drawn out script book, called the HAGGADAH.
It's like dinner theatre from Hell.
So this year, put down the charoset, recline back in your chair, and give a listen as Uncle Lucky tells the real story of Passover.
It all started in Egypt on 7 Adar 2368, a Tuesday, the day Moses was born. Unfortunately, the administration of the day was enforcing the annual slaying of the first born Hebrew boys. Ironically, the Pharaoh's name was Ramses Bush II.
Moses' mother hid him for a while but then decided to put him in a wicker basket she got from Pier One and float him down the Nile. Since his sister had recently passed a lifeguard class, she trailed the tiny raft from a safe distance. If the baby tipped over, we would be celebrating a completely differently holiday where the women would be giving all the guests mouth-to-mouth.
Apparently, these Hebrews lived right next door to the royal palace because the boy child was collected up by none other than the Pharaoh's daughter, Jenna, who adopted him as her own. Jenna nursed him on her own breast milk mixed with shots of Jagermeister.
** At this time in the Seder, the youngest boy asks the first of the 4 questions, "What about Moses' weenie? Wouldn't that give him away?"
The answer is Yes, Moses was circumcised and thus, would have been revealed as a Jew. But Jenna loved him so much that she told her dad that the disfigurement was the result of a "boating accident". Now, drink your grape juice.
So Moses grew up in the palace with his brother, Yul Brynner, until a brush with the law caused him to become a shepherd. This was an extremely boring job unless you were into beastiality and everyone in the pasture knew Mo was eating peyote buttons to pass the hours. In those days, one ounce of peyote was legal for personal use as long as you got it from an Apache Indian.
Nobody was really surprised when he claimed to talk to a burning Bush. They all figured he thought he was getting high with the Pharaoh. But Moses claimed he was talking to G-d. G-d told him to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.
As we will see, G-d is very pushy in this story.
** note ** Jews cannot write out the word GOD because their early typewriters did not have an "o" key.
After meeting the Lord, Moses stopped using Grecian Formula and changed his name to Charlton Heston. When he demanded that Yul Brynner "let his people go", The Pharaoh balked. He said, "Solving your problems isn't our line."
Second of the 4 questions... "Where were the Mexicans? Aren't they better at labor than the Jews?"
The answer is Yes. No Jew was ever born that could construct a straight wall. Jews don't even own a good set of tools. To a Jew, a butter knife can always substitute for a screwdriver. But the Mexicans were all busy on a pyramid contract in the Yucatan. Now, straighten your yarmulke.
Charlton had a walking stick that somehow was enchanted by G-d. (Later it would be used by Dumbledore.) With the staff, Heston cast 10 plagues against Egypt. Some were blood, boils, frogs (my personal favorite), lice, and darkness. Brynner tried to get the staff away from him, but Heston said, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Pharaoh! You can have my staff when you take it from my cold, dead hands."
The last plague was a doozie. The slaying of the first born of Egypt.
Oh, the irony.