The Greatest Story Ever Told

Shalom, shalom all you boychiks and girl chicks. As you certainly know, unless you are 99% of the population of the planet, this is Passover time.

Ah, Passover, the holiday that celebrates the Jews escaping from slavery in Egypt. The high point comes during a special ritual dinner, called a SEDER.

Before the first night of Passover, all items that are not kosher must be completely removed from the house. This order comes directly from the rule conscious rabbi, whose name is, let's say, Dave.

Foods that rise with yeast are considered TRAYF, out of place. In some orthodox homes women suffering with yeast infections must be stoned until cured.

All breads must be thrown out. Needless to say, this disposing of previously purchased food presents a Jewish dilemma, similar to pork on sale. Thus, for the week before Passover in Hebrew homes all over the world, verily many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are consumed.

To make a long story short....Jews cannot make a long story short, so this ceremony takes forever. I suggest eating a strong snack before getting in the car.

During the "feast", items are sampled that are supposed to remind us of historical events surrounding the Exodus. I still remember them from last year and the year before but apparently the elder Hebes at the table have short memories so here we go again.

At this meal, we must nosh on bitter herbs, parsley in salt water, and extremely hard boiled eggs.

Talk about yummy appetizers.

Also, Jewish wine, usually Mogan David or Manischewitz, is sipped. Welch's Grape Juice may be substituted without penalty.

During the Seder, everyone around the table has to be on their toes as they will be called upon to read aloud from a long, drawn out script book, called the HAGGADAH.

It's like dinner theatre from Hell.

So this year, put down the charoset, recline back in your chair, and give a listen as Uncle Lucky tells the real story of Passover.

It all started in Egypt on 7 Adar 2368, a Tuesday, the day Moses was born. Unfortunately, the administration of the day was enforcing the annual slaying of the first born Hebrew boys. Ironically, the Pharaoh's name was Ramses Bush II.

Moses' mother hid him for a while but then decided to put him in a wicker basket she got from Pier One and float him down the Nile. Since his sister had recently passed a lifeguard class, she trailed the tiny raft from a safe distance. If the baby tipped over, we would be celebrating a completely differently holiday where the women would be giving all the guests mouth-to-mouth.

Apparently, these Hebrews lived right next door to the royal palace because the boy child was collected up by none other than the Pharaoh's daughter, Jenna, who adopted him as her own. Jenna nursed him on her own breast milk mixed with shots of Jagermeister.

** At this time in the Seder, the youngest boy asks the first of the 4 questions, "What about Moses' weenie? Wouldn't that give him away?"

The answer is Yes, Moses was circumcised and thus, would have been revealed as a Jew. But Jenna loved him so much that she told her dad that the disfigurement was the result of a "boating accident". Now, drink your grape juice.

So Moses grew up in the palace with his brother, Yul Brynner, until a brush with the law caused him to become a shepherd. This was an extremely boring job unless you were into beastiality and everyone in the pasture knew Mo was eating peyote buttons to pass the hours. In those days, one ounce of peyote was legal for personal use as long as you got it from an Apache Indian.

Nobody was really surprised when he claimed to talk to a burning Bush. They all figured he thought he was getting high with the Pharaoh. But Moses claimed he was talking to G-d. G-d told him to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.

As we will see, G-d is very pushy in this story.

** note ** Jews cannot write out the word GOD because their early typewriters did not have an "o" key.

After meeting the Lord, Moses stopped using Grecian Formula and changed his name to Charlton Heston. When he demanded that Yul Brynner "let his people go", The Pharaoh balked. He said, "Solving your problems isn't our line."

Second of the 4 questions... "Where were the Mexicans? Aren't they better at labor than the Jews?"

The answer is Yes. No Jew was ever born that could construct a straight wall. Jews don't even own a good set of tools. To a Jew, a butter knife can always substitute for a screwdriver. But the Mexicans were all busy on a pyramid contract in the Yucatan. Now, straighten your yarmulke.

Charlton had a walking stick that somehow was enchanted by G-d. (Later it would be used by Dumbledore.) With the staff, Heston cast 10 plagues against Egypt. Some were blood, boils, frogs (my personal favorite), lice, and darkness. Brynner tried to get the staff away from him, but Heston said, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Pharaoh! You can have my staff when you take it from my cold, dead hands."

The last plague was a doozie. The slaying of the first born of Egypt.

Oh, the irony.

To prevent Kevorkian, the Angel of Death from visiting any Jews, the blood of a lamb was painted on the doorpost. This blood would make the Angel "pass over" the home and go on to another. On that night, blood of lamb cost over 5 dollars a gallon.

Third question..."Why blood? Couldn't the Angel see the mezuzah on the door? The answer is that the Angel of Death had a lot of killing to do in one night and did not have time for details. Now, memorize the next 30 pages of the Haggadah.

Sadly, Yul Brynner lost his son in the night and decided to let the Israelites go.... for a short while.

This leads to another great part of the story where Moses parts the Red Sea and causes all the Egyptians to drown. This was really no big deal because he did a lot of practicing with his staff in his bathtub as a young child. At least that's what he said he was doing for so long in the bathroom.

The giant tribe was moving eastward for a long time and the Bible tells us that eventually, the people began to murmur against Moses. This is why today, to remember the murmuring, all Jews complain vigorously about everything, no matter how trivial.

All the murmuring caused Moses to develop a migraine. He was not feeling well and checked himself into Mt. Sinai Hospital for an extended stay in a semi private room. And Lo! His roomie was none other than G-d.

G-d also murmured against Moses, and coerced him to force upon the Jews the 10 commandments, most of which were self-aggrandizing.

Later, the Christians would claim the commandments as their own.

More irony.

By the time Moses checked out, he had an even bigger headache. Plus his

HMO didn't cover the meds.

In Moses' absence, the Israelites got born again and elected a new G-d called money. They still worship today no matter what they tell you.

As punishment, they lost their GPS and had to wander the desert for 40 years and 40 nights. They would not see a corned beef sandwich for generations and were made to eat Soylent Green and a flat cracker called Matzoh. Matzoh is made without yeast. It is the official Rabbi Dave approved bread of the Passover Seder.

4th question... Is there Matzoh in New Zealand?

The answer is a surprising "YES!" as evidenced by the picture. Aunt Lucky found some at the store and eating it with butter is as close as were are getting to a Seder out here. Now go count your money before it gets cold.