The Greatest Story Ever Told
Foods that rise with yeast are considered TRAYF, out of place. In some orthodox homes women suffering with yeast infections must be stoned until cured.
All breads must be thrown out. Needless to say, this disposing of previously purchased food presents a Jewish dilemma, similar to pork on sale. Thus, for the week before Passover in Hebrew homes all over the world, verily many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are consumed.
To make a long story short....Jews cannot make a long story short, so this ceremony takes forever. I suggest eating a strong snack before getting in the car.
During the "feast", items are sampled that are supposed to remind us of historical events surrounding the Exodus. I still remember them from last year and the year before but apparently the elder Hebes at the table have short memories so here we go again.
At this meal, we must nosh on bitter herbs, parsley in salt water, and extremely hard boiled eggs.
Talk about yummy appetizers.
Also, Jewish wine, usually Mogan David or Manischewitz, is sipped. Welch's Grape Juice may be substituted without penalty.
** At this time in the Seder, the youngest boy asks the first of the 4 questions, "What about Moses' weenie? Wouldn't that give him away?"
The answer is Yes, Moses was circumcised and thus, would have been revealed as a Jew. But Jenna loved him so much that she told her dad that the disfigurement was the result of a "boating accident". Now, drink your grape juice.
So Moses grew up in the palace with his brother, Yul Brynner, until a brush with the law caused him to become a shepherd. This was an extremely boring job unless you were into beastiality and everyone in the pasture knew Mo was eating peyote buttons to pass the hours. In those days, one ounce of peyote was legal for personal use as long as you got it from an Apache Indian.
Nobody was really surprised when he claimed to talk to a burning Bush. They all figured he thought he was getting high with the Pharaoh. But Moses claimed he was talking to G-d. G-d told him to free the Israelites from slavery in Egypt.
As we will see, G-d is very pushy in this story.
** note ** Jews cannot write out the word GOD because their early typewriters did not have an "o" key.
Second of the 4 questions... "Where were the Mexicans? Aren't they better at labor than the Jews?"
The answer is Yes. No Jew was ever born that could construct a straight wall. Jews don't even own a good set of tools. To a Jew, a butter knife can always substitute for a screwdriver. But the Mexicans were all busy on a pyramid contract in the Yucatan. Now, straighten your yarmulke.
Charlton had a walking stick that somehow was enchanted by G-d. (Later it would be used by Dumbledore.) With the staff, Heston cast 10 plagues against Egypt. Some were blood, boils, frogs (my personal favorite), lice, and darkness. Brynner tried to get the staff away from him, but Heston said, "Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty Pharaoh! You can have my staff when you take it from my cold, dead hands."
The last plague was a doozie. The slaying of the first born of Egypt.
Oh, the irony.
The answer is a surprising "YES!" as evidenced by the picture. Aunt Lucky found some at the store and eating it with butter is as close as were are getting to a Seder out here. Now go count your money before it gets cold.