Need That Cash To Feed That Jones

Here is how I make NZ$60, the hard way. These will be the October stories.

Lounge Lizard

Henry, the 111 yr. old Tuatara and his young lover, Mildred, age 80, had been seeing each other on and off for the last 65 years, but always claimed to be “just friends”. However, their recent tryst has resulted in dozen fertilized eggs. Henry plans to cold- bloodedly abandon the family as soon as the children arrive.

Dope Pushers

High IQ thieves planned a car theft in Blenheim. Locating a vehicle parked outside a repair shop, they smashed the lock to get in and proceeded hotwiring. Their brilliant effort was foiled due to the car having no engine… which was resting comfortably in the back seat.

Eggstra! Eggstra!

A recent survey shows Kiwis under 30 are sheepish when it comes to boiling eggs. They are likewise uncertain about scrambling and poaching. Reasons given for this trepidation ranged from “Mom always made them” to lack of instructions on the product’s shell.

Bum Rap

Bank robber, Michael Geoffrey Linn of Bannockburn, was found by police to be secreting the cash in his anus. A tight roll of $2000, heard making a rustling noise, was protruding from his bottom. Linn said he was holding it for a friend. Insert your own joke here.

We all Scream

Blenheim residents Lapu and Dave Oliver have been named the top Mr. Whippy franchisees for 2008. The prize included $2500 in cash and a trophy cup. The Whippys chose to forego a Fiji holiday and will instead pimp up their ride. Dave’s hankering for a more techno version of Greensleeves.

The Good, the Bad, and the Rugby

Clint Eastwood is directing a new film about Nelson Mandela. Playing the Enemy, will include the historic 1995 World Cup Final between the Springboks and All Blacks. Any dramatic rugby players who know their limitations, yet still feel lucky, dial 0800 MAKEMYTEAM

Urine trouble

John Malot, of Napier has turned himself in after surveillance of him peeing on a parking meter was made public. The lad, dubbed,” the Piddler on the Roof”, was remorseful, but claimed everyone does it. Local meter maids will now be wearing rubber gloves from sunrise to sunset.

M2F seeks Position

Wairarapa’s former MP Georgina Beyer, the world's first transsexual politician, has left politics, disillusioned. She had not been appointed to any boards and was forced onto the dole. “I have all this accumulated knowledge and experience and no one wants to employ it, and I'm not sure why," she said.

Thanks, Writer Dude

The next Lonley Planet Travel Guide will be giving a big gold star to Nelson. Author, Charles Rawlings-Way, describes Nelson as "bright, optimistic and worldly; a gourmet city in appeal." In the book, he describes it as an "alternate-lifestyle epicentre", where "artsy, dreadlocked wanderers mooch between cafes and coffee carts.”