Sunday, July 13, 2008

Cat On A Tin Roof, Dogs In A Pile

NOTE TO ROBIN AND RIDER--- You will have a much better day if you skip this post --- I promise you --- You have been warned!!


I can't believe that at my age, I keep letting this shit happen to me! When, oh when, will I learn?

It's like this; I am always on the lookout for a way to make a few bucks without actually resorting to physical labor. The thing about this master plan is that it always fails. There was the salmon sales, the topless bars, the used cars, the IQ tests at the swap meet. Then there was the time I sold all our stock in Exxon and WalMart in a brilliant trade for Euro Disney.

Sacre Bleu!

All dismal washouts and all resulting in a decline of capital and a serious droopage in net worth.

But this one was going to be different. This one had "Gold Medal" written all over it.

Living over here on the Asian side of the earth, we are quite familiar with the ambrosial zest that is derived from the flesh of the canine. You in the US and A know it as dogmeat.

There are more shops that sell this stuff than peddle pizza. All up and down the fragrant and tightly packed streets of quaint Chinatowns you see plastic statues of the Buddha, tea sets, and colorful kimonos.

In every window's corner, you will always notice the vivid smiling cat, waving like a metronome.

To whom do you think the cat is bidding farewell?

At the immaculate eateries, multitudes of pups are skinned and can be viewed hanging behind the spotless viewing glass not so unlike the "effigies" of countless Negroes in the American South in days gone by.

All the discerning patron need do is choose his (no longer barking) meat to be unhooked and sliced into sandwich fodder.

Hello Mudder, hello Fodder. hello Lassie.

How different is this to those of opposite taste who might select a happily swimming lobster to be rudely plucked from a tank and unceremoniously boiled in a pot?

Cow, lamb, pig, all manner of fowl and fish...these are fine and acceptable to enter the American gullet, travel on the journey through tunnel and canal until the useless remains are noisily dumped in a watery receptacle.

But dog? Never, Sir..How DARE you even suggest it??


All of a sudden everyone turns into a modern day, totally no longer hot, Brigitte Bardot, moaning about unfair treatment of animals. It may be a dog eat dog world, but leave us humans out of the cycle.

Believe me Ms. Bardot, a dog would eat you if he were hungry enough.

Well, certainly in the 1960's when you was ironically known as "The Sex Kitten"

How soon we forget.

check out those puppies

But come we now to the Beijing Olympics, where consumers of chow from all corners of the world will make the sojourn to compete and ingest. Most Eastern countries, (save India) lacking the funds to afford the more pricey cuts of the bovine, find culinary solace in the meat of the pooch.

I have no problem with that. As a matter of fact, I saw these Olympics as an opportunity for monetary gain. Being too old to enter the sporting division in my strong event, sauntering, I chose once again to let my cash do the work instead.

After punctilious research, I decided to purchase a princely amount of shares in a company called Puppybeef.

http://www.puppybeef.com/index.php

There my fortune would be sealed, as I was to soon learn.

They also deal in feline fare, but that, my friends, is where I draw the line, owing in part to a severe allergic reaction to dander. Besides, I have no wish to cough up a used hairball.

But in the Olympics, every time a Korean weightlifter hefted up a plump hot dog, took a bite and allowed the a jus to dribble down his chin, I too would wet my ample beak with some rich liquid in the form of monetary profit.


Then, yesterday, horror of horrors, the Olympic Committee handed down an edict from on high disallowing the serving of the food that encompasses the vast aggregate of my portfolio.

I am truly cursed and now find myself in the ironic situation where we no longer can afford to purchase expensive cuts of organic beef and chicken.

With my beloved, I am now certainly in the doghouse in more ways than one, if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

2 Comments:

At 4:53 AM, Blogger Brandon said...

The funny part is that most of your ideas really should be golden.

I guess the lession is that it is ok to kill the Monks but not a Monk's dog. Maybe you should invest in monkbeef.com

After the Olympics end, maybe you could reinvest into a dogdog cart and move to China. That would be a sure success.

I hope you learned your lesson If you fail "related" to the 3 staples of the world (Sex, Drugs, Booze)you should just stop investing.

Sex failure-Jugs
Booze success-Chances
Booze failure EU Disney by not serving wine (I hold you responsible for this decision by Disney)
Drugs - Although you are successful in some manner in this arena, "others" who maintain 50% of your genes are not. The failures taken at a 50% ratio versus your years of experience, put you on the failing end.

Now quit wasting Chloe's money and get back to work!

 
At 2:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree w/Brandon - stop wasting Chloe's MONEY and get back to work!!!! The little jewel needs more pretty pink dresses! Thanks for the warning - I basically skipped through this one but still was horrible! I won't let Cheyenne read it and Riley is turning in his little urn as I type. Yuk!! Post something about your wonderful holiday please - love robin

 

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