Saturday, May 24, 2008

When They Come To Take You Down

For some time now, it seems like everyone is trying so hard to get rid of Barack Hussian Osama. So what say we all play a little game?
I call it "CLUELESS".

The game begins just after the brown piece, Mr. Boddy, receives the Democratic nomination. He goes to his hotel room for a quick energizing hit on the soon-to-be official Whitehouse crack pipe, but never makes it. He is found lying dead on the bathroom floor. Sort of like Elvis, but not.

However, after the initial investigation, police determine he was murdered and the crime did not take place in the room. They round up the usual suspects for questioning.
Here are their profiles. Your job is to uncover clues and unmask the real killer.

Miss Scarlet O'Scare ya

The red piece has been known to be attacking Mr. Boddy each day for the last year, using every weapon in the rather large back pockets of her ample pantsuit. Her most recent threat was a veiled assassination attempt. Later she tried to spin it off as some sort of tribute to Ted Kennedy, another known murderer. Was it Miss Scarlet with Sirhan Sirhan's gun in the hotel kitchen?

Reverend Green with Envy

The green piece damns America and all that it stands for. By spewing hate in Mr. Boddy's church he has gained fame and riches while greatly harming his favorite parishioner. Did Boddy's spurning turn the angry pastor into a holy warrior? Was the brown character done in by Rev. Green with his bible in the pulpit?

Mrs. White Lady
The extremely white piece has unlimited funds to help her husband, The Manchurian Candidate, gain the presidency. She always stays at his side and below the radar. If we could see her tax files, there is likely a large drug and alcohol budget. She is also a known c*nt.
Could Mrs. White have given Mr. Boddy an overdose of Vicodin in the brewery?

Colonel Yellower than Mustard
The slimiest, yellowest piece on the board considers himself a "True American". Yet the closest thing he ever wore to a military uniform is a flag pin. Negative information concerning Mr. Boddy gives him and his employer, FOX noise, high ratings. He has been knows to play fast and loose with facts often creating his own. Since he has taken credit for the demise of Miss Scarlet, was the brown guy next in his sights?. Was Boddy finished off by Colonel Mustard with the daily, constant, incessent, non-stop innuendos in the "news" room?

Mrs. Proud as a Peacock
The dark blue token on the board can get very close to Mr. Boddy whenever she wants as she is "his rock" Rumored to be an anti-American racist, she is happy to verify it whenever someone places a microphone in front of her. Could it have been Mrs. Peacock with her goddamn big mouth on the campaign trail?

Professor Plum Loco
The violent violet character has said, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, but in case you do, I used to be a Weatherman". Plum recently was seen in an underground car park at the University of Chicago with Mr. Boddy attempting to enlist him in the overthrow of the US government. Did Boddy resist? Did Professor Plum destroy him with a bomb in the 6o's?

To add a touch more to the mystery, we have tossed in a 7th suspect.
Mr. Black Glove
This dark shadowy piece seems to think it is bigger than all the others, above the law, and plays by a different set of rules. Most importantly, this black piece was the first player to gain over 2000 yds. is a single NFL season.
On the other (bloody) hand, some hard working white people think he has already slaughtered at least two innocent victims, so what's one more gonna hurt? But, he was on a plane to Chicago when Mr. Boddy was discovered. And he loved the guy. Yet when they think of Mr. Boddy, many folks imagine OJ coming at them in the dark wearing a ski mask. And it ain't snowing. That being said, was the real killer Mr. Black with the carving knife in the Bronco?
Make your comments known. You have one week to solve the crime.


At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I submit that Mr. Boddy killed himself after reading one too many blogs.

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Amber A said...

Hello, I have greatly enjoyed reading your blogs of your adventures down under. My husband and I (Chad Arendsen a former student of yours) have being meaning to travel to AU/NZ for years and plan to get our butts over that way this november/december-ish with our two kids in tow. low and behold the only persons we know in that neck are you lovely folks, and we found you on the net! so awesome. It was previously said you dropped off the face of the earth, but not so! Hope to connect with you soon. here is Chad's email addy.

now for my pick. I believe it was definately colonel yellower than mustard. never underestimate the insidious evils of fox 6 news.
Amber Arendsen

At 3:15 PM, Blogger Chad said...


It is obvious that none of these characature criminals did this. Acually, let me rephrase: "Zoiks, Scoob, it's the phantom."

In other words, if I were Freddy, I would no doubt jump to the obvious conclusion that it was OJ, "If the glove fits, wear it."

But then Velma would kick in, say, "Actually, gang," and remove the flimsy OJ mask -- only to reveal the lavish locks of the notorious Howard Stern.

She would go on to remind everyone that Howard Stern has had a long time crush on his co-host and news anchor, Robyn Quivers. She would proceed in explaining that Robyn had a boyfriend named Mr. X, who is actually Mr. Boddy -- he had been given the nickname "Mr. X" by the slightly irreverant Rev. Green under the misconception that all black leaders were Muslim. His mistake. But as anyone with a misplaced nickname would attest -- it stuck.

So . . . in an uncharachteristic spit of chivalry, the infamous shock jock viciously attacked Mr. Boddy with his tongue in the reading room, accusing him of making his dear Robyn lead an unjust double life. "Who would be his Monica Lewinski, if not Robyn?," Howard demanded.

Used to this kind of rhetoric, however, Mr. Boddy was able to save himself in the battle, but was defensless against the unexpected barrage of mayonaise dipped bolgna that immediately followed.

Not many know the actual events that followed, but Miss. Scarlet is sure that she had been "sleeping" with Col. Mustard in the room next door and that the corroner had exclaimed, "Can some'boddy' please remove this mayonaise spattered electrode from this guys anus?"

Well, Bortnick, you have still managed to get rise out of my most politically-atheist of nature. As usual, you have prompted me to write about something I otherwise would care less about. Thank you!

This is the real deal: My kids and wife and I are coming your way, and we would love to meet up with you and your super-hot-counterpart if we can. I promise to bring no lively conversation, absolutely no thoeries about world policies and religion, and unconditionally no opinions about american politics analysts who live on the other side of the world on an island poking fun at the rest of us who are still here.

Anyway, still love you (and your beautiful wife) for all that you taught me, and I hope that we can see you when we visit. All the best,


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