Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Pump Don't Work 'Cause The Vandals Took The Handles

Yesterday, the price of a barrel of oil soared to $139. If the truth be told, I really don't know exactly what that means. I never actually saw a barrel of oil. I usually purchase quarts of it in small plastic bottles for a few bucks at the petrol station. Kimberly gets it at the market in clear containers and it's even flavored. We are developing quite a penchant for olive. Virgin Olive, if you must know.

If someone offered me a barrel of oil for $139, that might be tempting. But where would I keep it and what if I knocked it over accidentally?

What a mess that would be.

But when the price of a barrel goes up, so does the cost of a gallon of gasoline. At least in most countries. People in the US and A are all bent out of shape because a gallon costs $3.50. There are not many who feel sorry for them as gas in America is relatively cheap. The World's highest is Sierra Leone: $18.42 per gallon

The lowest is Venezuela at 12 cents a gallon.

Why is W. throwing threats toward Hugo Chavez when he should be sending him flowers?

Here in New Zealand, we pay $2 a liter, which is 8 dollars a gallon. However, to be fair, when that is converted into US money, we are currently paying about 6.50 US per gal. But if we shop at specific grocery stores, we can get 4 cents off on a liter.

Whoop dee doo.

Scientists tell us there is a mammoth deposit of oil off the coast of the South Island. It will probably wind up being owned by Exxon. And there you go.

Back in the day, we had quite a bit of stock in Exxon. After the Valdez ran aground and all those little seals and birds and fishies got oily, we felt Exxon would take a dive. Our crack stock broker convinced us to trade for a new Disney stock that had "winner" written all over it. The stock was Euro Disney in Gay Paree, and we traded all our Exxon (and WalMart and Pepsi)for a ton of it.

While I was sitting back waiting for my millions to start pouring in, the cheese eating surrender monkeys decided that while they adored Jerry Lewis, Mickey Mouse was a rat. We Sacre-Blew it.

We lost everything, including our Nostradamus-like broker.

Meanwhile Exxon shot up like a Texas gusher.

Apparently, much oil comes from the Middle East. Saudi gas there costs 50 cents and our own little presidential chimp has a girlfriend in the Royal Family.

When he recently made a visit to grovel and beg his sweetie to lower the price. His lover spurned him and slammed the large gold and diamond encrusted door in his face. Then, on a quick visit to Israel he was given a lovely gift....

A Bicycle.

I wonder if he got the hint. They should have thrown in a bag of sharp edged matzoh pretzels for good measure.

The other day, Obama said we would have to rethink our love for SUVs and high heating bills. He was ridiculed by the Mr. Blusters of the media.
But he was probably correct.

When I was a lad, there was what was called a "gas war". Not to be confused with the War on Terror or the War on Drugs, this war actually was good for the citizens. Petrol prices kept going down to attract customers. At the lowest it was 19 cents...and a clean cut fellow in a freshly pressed uniform washed your windshield...and gave you a dinner plate. All with a smile.

Today, Americans pump their own, hope they don't get carjacked and have to walk in to the counter to pay some stupid pimple faced fat chick munching on a pop tart and reading a teen magazine. She couldn't find her ass with both hands and a flashlight, let alone a locate a squeegee and waddle out to your vehicle. If she knew how to smile, all she would reveal is her tobacco stained tooth. The chances that she even speaks English are fatter than Hilliary's calves.

That, my friends, is progress.

If I wasn't such a lazy bastard myself, I would think about buying a bike. Or maybe I could get one from the Israelites next time I fly over on my private jet. But we live on top of a hill and I could never ride it up. Kimberly would need to drive the car down and pick me up.

As Harry Callahan said, "A man's gotta know his limitations"

Mine are about NZ$2.50/liter. I've got nothing to worry about until probably December.

Then I go for my syphon.


At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That gas station chick sounds hot!
Nothin' better than putting the hose to a babe with pop tart and tobacco flavored lips.
I'd fill her up, you bet.

At 3:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOVE it and thank God I don't have to pump WTF and only bitch at LOL! I think if they actually changed the names people wouldn't be as unhappy as they are pumping gas into their huge vehicles. You might have a winner there - love robin

At 11:39 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice piece...enjoyed the blog.
I would pump that gas station attendant too.

At 6:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

not much to do with the blog but I gotta leave this comment...HEY! It's your nephew Justin from WV! I've been wondering about you guys and never got to personally thank you, like I've wanted to, for that trip back in '02. =)


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