The Words He Knows Are All Obscene But It's All Right
I know the true "Wordsmith" in the family is Barry, followed closely by Rick. But this is small town and writers are scarce, I guess. One day at the market, I managed to run into the editor of the local Glossy Mag, Wild Tomato (pronounced ..toe mah toe). For some reason, he asked me to write a long article about the local Saturday market. I will toss that in next time. He also asked me to create a monthly column where I make little jokes about news from our area. Believe me, I have no idea why he chose moi, but here is the column for next month:
At Least It Wasn’t Half a Spider
While rolling a cigarette, Tosca Bayly of Ward, discovered a dead Australian spider in her tobacco pouch. British American Tobacco Co. claims that, unlike the rest of their product, the arachnid was harmless. Bayly will continue to puff. However, she is switching to Camels.
She Will Now Be Mango Does the Tango in Mapua
New Plymouth Judge Rob Murfitt ordered that a girl be put into guardianship so her name - Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii - can be changed. The 9-year old happily sashayed from the courtroom. No such luck for youngsters Kaos, Spiral Cicada, and Cinderella Beauty Blossom, who will continue their lives of ridicule.
This Little Piggy Went To Marlborough
A Blenheim couple has admitted to releasing their pet guinea pigs into the wilds of Pollard Park. Their goal was to make them the country’s happiest rodents. Animals are now in the hands of the SPCA, out of danger from feral cats. Snuggles and Fluffy had no comment.
A Year in The Joint
Hokitika cannabis dealer, Gavin Wallace has been sentenced to home detention for one year after he was caught in a sting operation. The search yielded $63,000 of pot. For the next 365 days, Wallace will be lounging on his couch enjoying that wacky weed police failed to discover in his freezer.
He’s Willin’
Truck driver Peter Leslie McRae of Wakefield faces a stiff penalty for driving 25 hours in a row without a break. He was able to accomplish this deed by simultaneously working for two separate companies. Next year, McRae hopes to compete in the Indy 500 while sleeping on Scott Dixon’s lap.
Yo, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Mac’s
When Christchurch man, Haydon Tibbotts, drove his car onto Waikuku Beach, he was not expecting a “wave surge” to founder his vehicle. With nothing left to do but “celebrate the sinking of the ship”, he sat in the tiny Titanic and drank slathers of beers. When later charged by police, Tibbotts claimed to be Jack Sparrow.
Jive Squawkin’
Nelson’s Peter Masdan, who recently performed on “Stars In Their Eyes”, did not impress a certain reviewer. His imitation of Bee Gee, Barry Gibb, was compared to “a rooster on nitrous oxygen”. Masdan is threatening a lawsuit. He will be asking for a coop full of chooks and 10 large bags of corn.
Adorable Snowman?
New Zealand hero, Sir Edmund Hillary, not only conquered Everest, he also brought back some coarse animal hairs. Turns out they could be the best evidence ever that the elusive Yeti exists. A team of beauticians, armed with industrial strength conditioning products is preparing an ascent sometime next year.
Windfall Profit
We’ve all see the dramatic tree falling video captured by Dave Finlay during the August storm. “Near Miss In Nelson” made it to YouTube and has had over 100,000 hits. The footage has been bought up by Jeep Corp for an advertisement. Mr. Finlay is thinking about getting a Hummer.
While rolling a cigarette, Tosca Bayly of Ward, discovered a dead Australian spider in her tobacco pouch. British American Tobacco Co. claims that, unlike the rest of their product, the arachnid was harmless. Bayly will continue to puff. However, she is switching to Camels.
She Will Now Be Mango Does the Tango in Mapua
New Plymouth Judge Rob Murfitt ordered that a girl be put into guardianship so her name - Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii - can be changed. The 9-year old happily sashayed from the courtroom. No such luck for youngsters Kaos, Spiral Cicada, and Cinderella Beauty Blossom, who will continue their lives of ridicule.
This Little Piggy Went To Marlborough
A Blenheim couple has admitted to releasing their pet guinea pigs into the wilds of Pollard Park. Their goal was to make them the country’s happiest rodents. Animals are now in the hands of the SPCA, out of danger from feral cats. Snuggles and Fluffy had no comment.
A Year in The Joint
Hokitika cannabis dealer, Gavin Wallace has been sentenced to home detention for one year after he was caught in a sting operation. The search yielded $63,000 of pot. For the next 365 days, Wallace will be lounging on his couch enjoying that wacky weed police failed to discover in his freezer.
He’s Willin’
Truck driver Peter Leslie McRae of Wakefield faces a stiff penalty for driving 25 hours in a row without a break. He was able to accomplish this deed by simultaneously working for two separate companies. Next year, McRae hopes to compete in the Indy 500 while sleeping on Scott Dixon’s lap.
Yo, Ho, Ho and a Bottle of Mac’s
When Christchurch man, Haydon Tibbotts, drove his car onto Waikuku Beach, he was not expecting a “wave surge” to founder his vehicle. With nothing left to do but “celebrate the sinking of the ship”, he sat in the tiny Titanic and drank slathers of beers. When later charged by police, Tibbotts claimed to be Jack Sparrow.
Jive Squawkin’
Nelson’s Peter Masdan, who recently performed on “Stars In Their Eyes”, did not impress a certain reviewer. His imitation of Bee Gee, Barry Gibb, was compared to “a rooster on nitrous oxygen”. Masdan is threatening a lawsuit. He will be asking for a coop full of chooks and 10 large bags of corn.
Adorable Snowman?
New Zealand hero, Sir Edmund Hillary, not only conquered Everest, he also brought back some coarse animal hairs. Turns out they could be the best evidence ever that the elusive Yeti exists. A team of beauticians, armed with industrial strength conditioning products is preparing an ascent sometime next year.
Windfall Profit
We’ve all see the dramatic tree falling video captured by Dave Finlay during the August storm. “Near Miss In Nelson” made it to YouTube and has had over 100,000 hits. The footage has been bought up by Jeep Corp for an advertisement. Mr. Finlay is thinking about getting a Hummer.
I guess I will hear from some wordsmith out there with some disparaging comment. And as Rick knows, I welcome insults as long as they are aimed at me.
posted by Bortnicks @ 12:46 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I like the jack sparrow one - have fun with the articles! love robin
Sir, I served with Jack Wordsmith. I knew Jack Wordsmith; Jack Wordsmith was a friend of mine. Sir, you're no Jack Wordsmith.
Well done old bean. We suggest you submit your comic musing to The Scallion, the dry, Down Under version of The Onion.
Its been said quietly for several years that your secret ambition was writing. What is the equiv. of the Pulitzer in NZ.? Is it a Pulitzer?
Look out, this could be the beginning of something big, very big.
Have fun with your new opportunities to view life's dramas with an off beat perspective.
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