Sunday, August 17, 2008

And All That Could Not Sink Or Swim Were Just Left There To Float

I used to think the greatest "sideman" type job was Ed McMahon's on the Johnny Carson Show. Ed would just sit on the couch, stay awake and occasionally blurt out a "Hi -Yo". From that, he made millions and got to enjoy many brushes with greatness, not to mention the great Mr. Jerry Lewis (may he eventually rest in peace).


Ed had a good run, but must have been as stupid as he looked because he is currently in deep shit financially. His next appearance will be as a mumbling greeter at Trump Casino in Atlantic City. He will tell himself he is happy and lucky to be in the employ of Mr. The Donald.

Another sweet gig would be Tiger Wood's caddy, Steve Williams. This guy is the highest paid sportsman in New Zealand...and he doesn't even play anything. But he gets 10% of Woods' checks. And 10% of a gazillion is a kabillion. So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

But today, after watching Michael Phelps doggy paddle his way to his eighth gold medal, the new world's greatest sideman is his agent.

Phelps could be vice president if he so chooses. Either of the presumed candidates could use a true All American Hero on the ticket. Plus, he wins Michigan and has an extremely positive relationship with China. In addition, he is outside the beltway, not politics as usual from Mike. The only lobby we would need to worry about would be Speedo.

This Phelps has carte blanche and at ten percent, the agent will be signing him up to endorse everything in the world including Wheaties, McDonald's, Ben and Jerry's, Posturepedic Mattresses, and Ambien.

I just realized that although there are a few slight differences, Michael and I are a lot the same. See the following tale of the tape

PHELPS


age 23

ht. 6'4

wt. 165

shoe 14

body fat 8%




ME


age 61

ht. 5'10

wt. 180

shoe 10.5

body fat 28%
(Choosing not to document shame, there will be no picture of the author wearing a Speedo. However, indeed, such a photo exists. Kimberly refuses to tell me where she hid it. She says if there are any brothers out there with some extra ching ching ching to spare, she is open to purchase offers.)

OK, maybe you can't see the similarity from those mere facts. However I just read all about his daily regimen. He eats 12,000 high fat calories, sleeps and swims.


I do believe I have a 67% Michael Phelps lifestyle going pretty smoothly.


Due to not wasting valuable endorsement time swimming, I have total availability


Agents may contact me by phone or email.


Operators are standing by.

6 Comments:

At 5:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Request from one of the family - PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT BRING YOUR SPEEDO TO CA in a few weeks!!!!!! We are bringing our new little pup and she has never seen such a sight and I fear for her reaction. see you both in a few:) love robin

 
At 5:42 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Request from one of the family - PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT BRING YOUR SPEEDO TO CA in a few weeks!!!!!! We are bringing our new little pup and she has never seen such a sight and I fear for her reaction. see you both in a few:) love robin

 
At 5:54 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have seen you...28% fat? Not likely sir. Maybe everything is upside down in Kiwiville.

28% muscle
50% fat
22% hot air

 
At 2:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I haven't seen you swim more than a pool length forever. Sitting in a hot tub doesn't qualify you for a medal....or maybe it does?
I am glad they broadcast the games in N.Z.. Didn't a NZ'lender win a medal in skeet shooting?
Have fun in the CA sun.
cca1

 
At 3:18 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A far better comparison would be with Jimmy "Big Splash" Dummerville, the 2007 Special Olympics "athlete," who bested the field in the 30 meter dog paddle.
"Me swim good and no pee, only poop."
Jimmy said following his record breaking time of 3 minutes 37 seconds.
The tragic, accidental drowning of three other "special" swimmers overshadowed Jimmy's victory.
"They look funny," Jimmy said of his fallen comrades as officials fished the swimmers' bloated bodies from the pool.
Aside from their mutual love of water, Jimmy and Mike share body fat counts and IQ levels.
"Me like math," Jimmy says.
Look for Jimmy at the 2009 games in Tulsa, OK.

 
At 9:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Far better to compare Mike with Bailyman Blacklung, the three-time gold medal winner in synchronized bonging.
"Ya mon. I be ready for dat fat kiwi," Blacklung said when told a 61 year old Jew planned to challenge for the title in the London Games of 2012. "Betcha a kilo of me finest dat the kiwi won't be living long enough to scrape da resin from me dirty feet."

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home