A Whiter Shade Of Palin

My friends, you may be sitting in your Laz-E-Boy right now pondering John McCain's choice for VP, Sarah Palin. Who is she? What is her experience? Is she ready to occupy the Oval Office should McCain have an unexpected premature demise?

Well, my friends, I have done my research and am here to tell you that not only is Mrs. Palin ready...she was a brilliant pick and I almost can't wait for John to die so she can take over.

My friends, here is the straight talk:

1. Not a "Washington Insider". After a consultation with my close associate in Yakutat, Howard Diamond, I have learned much about the presumptive candidate. Sarah is from Alaska, very far from Washington, or America for that matter. Who better to throw into the Senate to make deciding votes than someone who needs a detailed map to find the Beltway? She is fresher than a wriggling salmon and has no preconceived notions about what the job entails or who all those old guys in all those leather chairs are. But any woman who has faced grizzly bears on a daily basis certainly can stand up to a cancer-ridden blowhard like Ted Kennedy.

2. She is a woman. That should shut up all those PUMA bitches who still think Hillary should be President. Most of them just want a vagina in the big chair no matter whose it is. Sure, Sarah holds none of the same values as HRC, but, at the end of the day, she still squats to pee.

3. Maverick, independent, wilderness girl. What a refreshing change she will be to the boring Washington scene. When she wears a fur coat, it will be one she trapped and made herself. Those PETA maniacs won't have to throw blood on it as it may still have some of the original sanguine still clotting. Her hubby is part Yup'ik Eskimo. (Native American). We will expect to see a proper steam bath built on the White House lawn.

The head chef better start learning how to brew up fish head stew, moose burgers and aguduk for dessert. Wait till Putin sucks on some of that. We'll see what his eyes are like then!

She would be the first VP since Lincoln's days that has shit in a pail.

Much precious water will be conserved when Honey Buckets are placed in the corner of every room in the West Wing.

4. She has vast Executive experience. Sarah was mayor of Wasilla (pop. 9000). Simply put, when she was not out hunting or fishing or snow machining, all the trains ran on time. Moose droppings were cleaned off the public boardwalks and most snow was cleared from some roads. Any potheads caught with more than a pound of Matanuska Thunderfuck were given a severe talking to.

(By the way, Wasilla is also the home of Sarah's close friend, porn star, April Flowers, who may bring golden showers.) Check out her website: http://www.visitapril.com/

5. My friends, Sarah Palin is Hot, Hot, Hot! She was the winner of the prestegious Miss Wasilla beauty contest (1984) and 1st runner up for Miss Alaska. Ironically, although chosen Miss Congenialty, she lost out to an African American and Michelle Obama lookalike, Maryline Blackburn. Payback will be a bitch. John McCain shows us he can still get it up by enveloping himself with his trophy wife/model and VP/model, he reminds us of a modern day Tony Orlando or Hugh Hefner.

6. She is a hockey mom. Everyone loves Mom and Sarah has popped out 4.5 young 'uns already. That's 2.5 more than Osama. Plus they are white. OK, one is slightly damaged goods. And even though his name is Trig, he ain't gay yet. Sarah was brave enough to make the choice to not abort the Down Syndrome child. So we can clearly see why that she is adamantly anti-choice....??? Everyone knows Mr. Hussain is a proponent of infanticide and would be more than happy to hunt down little Trig and hold his oversized head under water until he stopped struggling.

7. My friends, Sarah loves oil drilling. Those cute little endangered Polar Bears have had their day on the planet. It's time they made way for oil rigs in ANWAR so we can get those Hummers back on the road. Vote McCain/Palin and a gallon of gas will drop to 59 cents by Thanksgiving (and Sarah will even go out and bag every Republican a turkey).

8. Evangelical Christian. We all know those are the best kind of folks. She is pro-gun, anti-gay, anti-abortion. She only made a few tiny mistakes. Once when she tried marijuana (hated it) and another time when named two kids after witches. That nasty business with the ex-brother-in-law will not be mentioned here as it is still under investigation. It's not like she is a murderer like Clinton.

9. She is smart. I just learned that from Sean Hannity. She will make mince meat out of that empty suit, Joe Biden. Just you wait and see.

So my friends, a vote for McCain/Palin is a vote for change in America.

Kimberly and I said if George W. was elected a second time, we would move to New Zealand. If Palin becomes the US Vice President, we will move to Invercargill.

Thank you and make God Bless Alaska, my friends.