I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

Last we we asked you, our readers, to use your powers of deduction in order to solve a CLUE mystery. To our shock, we got thousands of responses from every corner of the map. Who knew we were that popular in the blogosphere?

A Mr. Cliff Marwood from the Bordeaux area in France guessed the killer was Professor Plum with a wine opener on the Eiffel Tower.

Ingrid Gurnfelt from Bremen, Germany opined it was Eva Braun with the revolver in the bunker.

A loyal reader from the Sudan came up with... the rebels in his grass hut with machetes and fire. Actually, that one was hard to read because of all the screaming.

Surprisingly, nobody got the right answer all week. Then, in the 11th hour, we had a winner. Amber Arendsen from Solana Beach, California correctly guessed that Mr. Boddy was finished off by Colonel Mustard representing the media.

Mustard will be able to take the weapons of all the other Usual Suspects and consolidate them into a devastating knockout blow.

Interestly, Amber's husband , Chad, tried an ambitious guess, but the judges ran out of time just trying to make sense of it. And he was wrong right from the git-go.

Case closed.

Congrats, Amber. There's no prize other that the knowledge that you are smarter than a crispy guy in Darfur.

The Real Killer

When They Come To Take You Down

For some time now, it seems like everyone is trying so hard to get rid of Barack Hussian Osama. So what say we all play a little game?

I call it "CLUELESS".

The game begins just after the brown piece, Mr. Boddy, receives the Democratic nomination. He goes to his hotel room for a quick energizing hit on the soon-to-be official Whitehouse crack pipe, but never makes it. He is found lying dead on the bathroom floor. Sort of like Elvis, but not.

However, after the initial investigation, police determine he was murdered and the crime did not take place in the room. They round up the usual suspects for questioning.

Here are their profiles. Your job is to uncover clues and unmask the real killer.

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Miss Scarlet O'Scare ya

The red piece has been known to be attacking Mr. Boddy each day for the last year, using every weapon in the rather large back pockets of her ample pantsuit. Her most recent threat was a veiled assassination attempt. Later she tried to spin it off as some sort of tribute to Ted Kennedy, another known murderer. Was it Miss Scarlet with Sirhan Sirhan's gun in the hotel kitchen?

Reverend Green with Envy

The green piece damns America and all that it stands for. By spewing hate in Mr. Boddy's church he has gained fame and riches while greatly harming his favorite parishioner. Did Boddy's spurning turn the angry pastor into a holy warrior? Was the brown character done in by Rev. Green with his bible in the pulpit?

Mrs. White Lady

The extremely white piece has unlimited funds to help her husband, The Manchurian Candidate, gain the presidency. She always stays at his side and below the radar. If we could see her tax files, there is likely a large drug and alcohol budget. She is also a known c*nt.

Could Mrs. White have given Mr. Boddy an overdose of Vicodin in the brewery?

Colonel Yellower than Mustard

The slimiest, yellowest piece on the board considers himself a "True American". Yet the closest thing he ever wore to a military uniform is a flag pin. Negative information concerning Mr. Boddy gives him and his employer, FOX noise, high ratings. He has been knows to play fast and loose with facts often creating his own. Since he has taken credit for the demise of Miss Scarlet, was the brown guy next in his sights?. Was Boddy finished off by Colonel Mustard with the daily, constant, incessent, non-stop innuendos in the "news" room?

Mrs. Proud as a Peacock

The dark blue token on the board can get very close to Mr. Boddy whenever she wants as she is "his rock" Rumored to be an anti-American racist, she is happy to verify it whenever someone places a microphone in front of her. Could it have been Mrs. Peacock with her goddamn big mouth on the campaign trail?

Professor Plum Loco

The violent violet character has said, "You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows, but in case you do, I used to be a Weatherman". Plum recently was seen in an underground car park at the University of Chicago with Mr. Boddy attempting to enlist him in the overthrow of the US government. Did Boddy resist? Did Professor Plum destroy him with a bomb in the 6o's?

To add a touch more to the mystery, we have tossed in a 7th suspect.

Mr. Black Glove

This dark shadowy piece seems to think it is bigger than all the others, above the law, and plays by a different set of rules. Most importantly, this black piece was the first player to gain over 2000 yds. is a single NFL season.

On the other (bloody) hand, some hard working white people think he has already slaughtered at least two innocent victims, so what's one more gonna hurt? But, he was on a plane to Chicago when Mr. Boddy was discovered. And he loved the guy. Yet when they think of Mr. Boddy, many folks imagine OJ coming at them in the dark wearing a ski mask. And it ain't snowing. That being said, was the real killer Mr. Black with the carving knife in the Bronco?

Make your comments known. You have one week to solve the crime.

I Am A Rock, I Am An Island

One of the natural icons in Nelson is Fifeshire Rock. It is named for an English sailing ship. Here is the history lesson:

February 1st 1842.

Fifeshire was one of the first four ships on her maiden voyage when bringing out settlers of the New Zealand Company to Nelson.

The Fifeshire was an unlucky boat from the start. During the voyage, fever broke out and 17 passengers died, their bodies being buried at sea.

After disembarking passengers and discharging cargo the ship was cleared for China but unfortunately never made it out of Nelson Harbour. On the morning of 27th February, the wind failed, and the tide carried her on Arrow Reef.

Strenuous efforts were made to get her off, but it was useless and at low water she was lying nearly high and dry. Her hull could not stand the strain and her back was badly broken. She was condemned and sold for breaking up.

So this outcrop, Arrow Reef, which rises out of the bay near the harbor, looks sort of like a boat and was renamed Fifeshire Rock. Everyone here knows the story.

Sometime in the past, either the wind or the intestinal track of a bird deposited a seed onto the rock. This tiny seed was nurtured by guano from the seagulls and took hold. Against the odds, a cabbage tree sprung out of the craggy surface and has remained as a symbol of stubborn survival for all who pass.

That is, until a few weeks ago.

In a seedy hotel bed, some 20 years ago, another germ was planted, but this one in the womb of a woman. That bud grew into a large piece of human guano named Josh Ellery.

On April 25, Anzac day, a national holiday like Veteran's Day, Ellery and a few cabbage headed mates drank up 3 cases of beer, stole some kayaks and ventured out into the harbor. Like Everest conqueror, Edmund Hillary, Ellery scaled Fifeshire Rock. At the peak, he yanked and twisted the little tree until it became uprooted. Then he waved it over his head like a flag for all to see. As a final triumphant gesture, he tossed the tiny plant into the water, never to be seen again.

Sadly, for him, plenty were there to witness the event. Shocked onlookers on shore quickly alerted Nelson's constable who drove over and nabbed the evildoers when they rowed ashore.

Since the arrest, Mr. Ellery is awaiting trial and he has become repentant. A remorseful letter was written to the newspaper and he also had a replacement tree planted at his expense.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/nelsonmail/4523558a6510.html.

Strangely, in addition to the replant, 2 other cabbage trees have arrived. One was snuck in during the night by an (anonymous) friend of Kimberly's. Another was brought in by a generous lawyer.

Can you say oxymoron?

So there are now 3 cabbage trees on Fifeshire Rock.

None are expected to survive. But a rock feels no pain and an island never cries.

Baba O'Reilly

My old friend Barbara Walters has been in the news lately because of her book of memoirs, Audition.

She has been seen on the Oprah program and other news shows including an in depth interview with Bill O'Reilly where she revealed having an affair with a black married senator, Edward Brooke.

Bill tried to turn this into a smear against Obama.

As some of you know, but most of you don't, I worked as a nurse at La Costa Resort and Spa in Carlsbad, California from 1986-92. In that time, I met quite a few luminaries.

During a golf tourney, Lee Trevino came into the medical office to talk. he mocked one of the owners, a close friend. He said that the guy's face was so wrinkled that it resembled the strings on a harp. He said he could play the Star Spangled banner on his mug. I'm not sure what that meant, but Lee was fun.

Also on my "brush with greatness" list was The Reverend Jesse Jackson. He was always accompanied by an entourage called "The Rainbow Coalition", but they all looked one color to me. Jesse complained of a headache and I administered Tylenol and he shook my hand. And he had very big hands..... (wink, wink, nod, nod,...)

Richard Dreyfus with Amy Irving wandered in and out. Gloria Steinem received vitamin packs.

The entire Royal Saudi family stayed for a month and dropped around $5 million. One of their body guards had a burn and I had to go to his room to change his dressing. Even though he was wearing a very expensive Armani suit, his B. O. was so nauseating, I needed to hold my breath the entire time. Afterwards, he tried to tip me, but citing policy, I refused and ran out into the fresh air.

But the highlight of my relationships with guests was Barbara Walters. She had just married one of the owners, Marv Adelson. This was her 3rd marriage. He brought his bride to the spa for a week of extreme pampering and that included me.

She came in to be weighed and measured. I found my self alone in an exam room with Baba in her bra and panties. They were pretty and lacy and white. No thong, however she could have gotten away with it as she had a great body. I was lucky to sneak in my camera and get this shot which I have never shown anyone until now.

Age - 53, Weight - 120, height - 5'4.

She confided that she had just lost 10 pounds by eliminating bread.

Her doctor had told her to lose weight before her scheduled face lift. I was shocked she divulged this secret information to me. All I know is she looks the same now as she did in 1986. So she must have had the face lift, if not two or three more.

She then got dressed and Marv came in and held her hand while I drew her blood for cholesterol testing. I found this to be very sweet.

(They were divorced 6 years later.)

I saw her throughout the week and noticed how she had an impossible time trying to relax. She was on the treadmill or the recumbent bike while at the same time, talking on the the phone. This was before computers or the term "multi-tasking".

I'm sure she remembers me fondly and I would have certainly made it into her book if it was only about 1000 pages longer.

Johnny B. Goode

Well, it's all over the internets, so I guess I better mention it.

Supposedly, allegedly, non-verifiededly, John McCain,War hero and next President of the US and A, way back in 1992, called his wife a c*nt.

Why am I censoring myself? Actually, he called his wife a cunt.

I never use this word. I am not even familiar with it. I needed to Google. I now understand among other naughty bits, it is an insult to females and homosexuals.

According to a book coming out any minute now called The Real McCain, this possible but unlikely non-event happened way back in 1992 at a public setting.

"Three reporters from Arizona, on the condition of anonymity, also let me in on another incident involving McCain's intemperateness. In his 1992 Senate bid, McCain was joined on the campaign trail by his wife, Cindy, as well as campaign aide Doug Cole and consultant Wes Gullett. At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt." McCain's excuse was that it had been a long day. If elected president of the United States, McCain would have many long days."

Saint John was asked about this at a recent town hall meeting and instead of lowering himself to speaking about it, he took the high road, protected the ears of those in the audience, and went to the next question. The guy who presented the query, Marty Parrish, a baptist minister, was wrestled to the ground by Secret Service men and scurried away to Gitmo to have his mouth washed out with soap, waterboard style.

The next question anyone will hear from him will be, "Do you think you could you please remove that electrode from my anus, sir?"

Fox News again did the right thing and considered the whole deal as a non-occurance, other than to accuse the questioner of bad taste and anti-Americanism. They then went on to continue to investigate Rev. Wright's gay relationship with Hitler.

Look, maybe McCain did call his wife a cunt, who hasn't? And that was during the time she was stoned out on prescription pills and was a real bitch, I'm sure. Take a gander..

Is this a cunt or what?

As a side note, Cindy is known to refer to John as "Melon-oma Head and Dead Man Walking".

McCain also has a kid, supposedly a chocolate-face. Back when they were opponents, W. Bush inferred it was his black love child. Truth is she was adopted from Bangladesh.

John has been publicly heard to call her "Macaca".

I had some time on my hands and decided to do a little research on name calling in domestic politics and learn a bit more about our strange bedfellows.

I can confirm that Obama calls Michelle a "Nappy-Headed Ho". To her, he is simply, "Dumbo-Eared Oreo Cookie".

Hillary calls Bill "Jerky", which is a short form for " You G-d damned chubby chasing horn dog prick who I would cut your balls off and divorce you in a New York minute if I wasn't running for president, But just you wait until I have a kitchen knife in my hands and the secret serviceman looks the other way.. I am going so OJ on your ass, they won't be able to tell you from beef jerky"

Bill has a little nickname for her... "Fat ass smarty pantsuit"

Laura has W answer to "retardo, not very Curious George, shit for brains, little dick-tator, and drunky-monkey"

He calls her "Stepford Wife who can't pop out a masculine child"

Old man Bush has openly called Barbara, "Saggy Tits Granny" while she has named him "Read My Pussy Lips, you wimp".

Reagan to Nancy - "Edger Bergen" She to him "Charlie McCarthy", or dummy for short.

FDR called his wife, Eleanor "a horse toothed dyke" while she publicly named him, "New Deals on Wheels".

Abe Lincoln knew his wife as "The Bellevue Ball and Chain, or Migraine Mary" She simply called him "Wartface"

I poke fun at our leaders, sure, who doesn't? But this, I swear is true and it will bring this whole silly issue into context.

During the 1st Presidential Inauguration ceremony, right there on the podium, in front of the entire nation, George Washington, believe it or not called his wife, Martha..a cunt.

True.

**** Kimberly has just read this post so far and feels I may be verbally harming 50% of the world's population along with "the children". She insists I should put in some sort of disclaimer warning readers of my language and make an apology.

As I said earlier, this "word" was entirely "new" to me and had no idea it might "insult" "women".

Now I am thoroughly ashamed and repentant.

If anyone out there there has any complaints please send them to:

Marty Parrish

Baptist Minister

Very small cell with electrode up his anus

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba