Monday, December 17, 2007

Mama's Got A Freeze Box

Shalom, shalom

In a continuing effort to spend money like hillbilly lottery winners, we have just purchased a new side by side refrigerator and freezer.

There are just the two of us, but we opted for the huge stainless steel version. Enough room to store 2 deer carcasses, one barrel of potato salad, and a dozen medium size cats.

The New Zealand appliance manufacturer is called Fisher & Paykel. They make washers, dryers, and so on. We try to support them because they are a NZ company.

As is my habit, I scanned through the instruction book. I was surprised to find that our new refrigerator has something called a Sabbath Mode. This is a special setting that will allow a Jew to open the door without having the light go on.

According to Hebrew law, we cannot work on Saturday. "Work" is defined as anything that does not involve praying in temple. We cannot even turn on a light or start up the stove. I think breathing could be argued as being work, but fortunately, God had the wisdom to give it a pass.

In the old days, Jews would hire a Sabbath Goy to come over and flip the light switch and put a match to the pilot on the oven. (I'm sure one of these guys did some work on the missus if hubby was not up for it.) Hebes who had no non believing friends would have to sit in the cold and dark on Saturdays.
When they got fed up of that, they were the ones who wound up in the synagogue, praying for Sabbath Goys.

As a young lad, eagerly attending Hebrew school and reading the Torah on a daily basis, I was keen to follow the laws of the Lord. At an early age, I dreamed of entering rabbinical school and devoting myself to Judaism as a career. Certainly, working on a Saturday would go against all the teachings of Moses.

Since I did not want to turn on any lights or stoves, I religiously remained ensconced in my warm bed in my dark room, happily dreaming of God in Heaven.

However, my dad seemed to be sending mixed messages. He claimed a belief in a higher father... maybe it was George Washington, or Abe Lincoln.... any of the pantheon whose graven images graced the center of folding money.
His favorite gods said we had to work on Saturday in order to put food on our family and it was my duty as the eldest son to break all the ancient laws and leave my sanctuary to enter the cold winter world of parking lots in downtown Rochester, New York.

I tried to explain I was in Sabbath Mode, but he kept hitting me in the head with a pillow until I couldn't take it any more and was forced to get up and enter a day of sin.

I am certain it is because of the Old Man that I am not presently holding a holy book and encouraging some snot nosed 11 year old to stumble through a mysterious backwards scrawl that we call Hebrew writing.

So today, instead of skullcaps, We buy refrigerators and many appliances are now fitted with the Sabbath Mode setting. This keeps those potentially dangerous goyem out of the house.

It's hard to believe there are that many Orthodox Jews out there. Are they all buying fancy refrigerators? .... to the extent that this feature is as standard as ice cube trays? I know the Jews control the media and banking, but how did they put pressure on appliance makers??

I did some research on Maurice Fisher and Woolf Paykel. Turns out they are descendants of Jewish families who came from Russia in the early 1900's. I think they started in Auckland selling blocks of ice from a pushcart. The company has grown to be the biggest in NZ. They are innovative and eco-friendly...and they're JEWS!

They are probably spinning to the tune of the hora in their graves to know that a shiska is storing Xmas cookies in their Sabbathy Mode icebox. Plus, I'm sure she plans to chill some non-kosher ham in there for the holiday that celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus.

On Saturday, she intends to spend a full 30 minutes just opening and closing the door so the light goes on.

Happy Chrisnukah


At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're Jewish. Shit! I'm done with this blog.

At 7:52 AM, Anonymous robin said...

well, all i can say is holy shit - i, of course know of Fisher & Paykel very well and am planning on putting in their dishwasher into the new build. i can't believe that frig. fits in your kitchen. is kimberly planning on giving some of the women on the price is right a go for their money on the side? i know she dressed up for the photo op on this one big time! lordy... i guess i know where that money tree is growing now - danny keeps hoping one will spring up at our house - right. sorry i will be missing the peanut butter balls this xmas too. again, holy shit on many levels bro. love robin

At 9:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shuld quit your day job and get into advertising. Wait a don't have a steady day job...i will send these pictures to appliance suppliers world wide. You should be hearing from hem soon... I especially like the open refrig. pict.
Actually, I prefer the freezer side as it contains the iice cream.
Try doing a piece on the whores of Nelson. Complete with pictures and specifics. It may beat out the 20 dollar bill write-up.. ..maybe?


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