Hang Me, Oh Hang Me, So I'll Be Dead And Gone

Religious unrest ignites conspirators to bring down the government by destroying buildings using explosives. After special change in policy to allow torture, captured detainees are forced to talk.

Sound familiar? Well it should if you are from any British Colony because that is the scenario around Guy Fawkes Day.

This special day is celebrated on November 5th in Britain and NZ. The story goes back to 1605 in England where there were 2 religious factions fighting for whatever it is that religious factions fight for.

One was the Roman Catholics and the others were Protestants. The royalty, King James, was a Protestant and thus, so was England.

Personally, I could not explain the difference between these religions. Don't they not both go gaga for the baby Jesus? Don't they both shlep crosses all over the place? Don't they all vote Republican?

Do the Catholics root for Notre Dame and the Protestants cheer for Yale?

I have no idea.

By the way, the Jewish faction in England was hiding under their pushcarts to avoid getting the shit kicked out of them by the others while they prayed for the return of the Messiah and protective headgear.

Back to the story, the Roman Catholic conspiracy wanted to bring down King James, so about 60 of these men plotted to blow up Parliament.

Known as the Gunpowder Plot, they rented some space under the Parliament building. and filled it up with tons of explosives. I don't know whose name was on the lease, but some poor Jew probably was the co-signer.

Guy Fawkes, who had knowledge of fireworks from his experience in the military, was chosen to be the detonator.

However, Lord Monteagle, a noble, got wind of the plot thanks to an embedded narc. Monteagle had the basement searched and the guards discovered Fawkes with a Bic lighter about to ignite the fuse. He was captured before any damage was done.

At that time, England allowed FOX "news" to inform the public that all was well and they were in the process of interrogating Fawkes and that, there would be no illegal torture. A quote from king says, " This country does not believe in torture. We do believe in protecting ourselves. We don't believe in torture."

But, when the prisoner was not cooperating, the king issued special laws under the name ... "Manorland Security"... which temporary allowed more harsh interrogation policies. Somewhere in some back room, they dusted off the RACK and put it to good use.

They also had a water torture device, called the Texas Tea Party.

All they needed was Dick Cheney and for someone to invent electricity.

In the end, Fawkes, now several inches taller and a lot less thirsty, sang like a canary and the usual suspects were rounded up. Some were held at Guantanamo Bay for the rest of their lives. They were the lucky ones. The others got the Grand Exit. I believe this was designed for the amusement of the King.

If they had been women, they would have been burned at the stake.

These boys probably wished they could grow vaginas overnight because the male punishment for traitors was the the Terror Trifecta....

Hung, Drawn, and Quartered.

It goes something like this: .....Enjoy...it's worth your time.

"Dragged on a hurdle (a wooden frame) to the place of execution. (This is one possible meaning of drawn.)

Hanged by the neck for a short time or until almost dead. (hanged).

Disembowelled and emasculated and the genitalia and entrails burned before the condemned's eyes

Beheaded and the body divided into four parts (quartered).

Typically, the resulting five parts (i.e. the four quarters of the body and the head) were gibbeted (put on public display) in different parts of the city, town, or, in famous cases, country, to deter would-be traitors who hadn't seen the execution.

The condemned man would usually be sentenced to the short drop method of hanging, so that the neck would not break. The man was usually dragged alive to the quartering table, although in some cases men were brought to the table dead or unconscious. A splash of water was usually employed to wake the man up if unconscious, then he was laid down on the table. A large cut was made in the gut after removing the genitalia, and the intestines would be spooled out on a device that resembled a dough roller. Each piece of organ would be burnt before the sufferer's eyes, and when he was completely disembowelled, his head would be cut off. The body would then be cut into four pieces, and the king would decide where they were to be displayed. Usually the head was sent to the Tower of London."

When Fawkes turn came at the gallows, he leaped off the hanging platform with the noose still around him and caused his own neck to break, avoiding being a witness to the rest of his demise.

The fatheaded, self serving, drug addicted, draft-dodging town crier called him a Phony Conspirator.

Soon afterward, many Roman Catholics considered him a hero.

A common phrase was that Fawkes was "the only man to ever enter parliament with honourable intentions".

On the opposite side, Protestant children would go door to door with little effigies of Fawkes, asking for small donations, "Penny for the Guy". The effigies were burned in a large bonfire and the pennies were used to buy fireworks. I reckon a Jew was the seller.

It is said that the term "guy", for a man, may have come from this.

The recent film ,"V for Vendetta' was a take-off on the story.

Nowadays, on November 5, Guy Fawkes Day, there are large fireworks and and bonfires to commemorate the event.

There is also this cute little poem:

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!
A penny loaf to feed the Pope
A farthing o' cheese to choke him.
A pint of beer to rinse it down.
A faggot of sticks to burn him.
Burn him in a tub of tar.
Burn him like a blazing star.
Burn his body from his head.
Then we'll say ol' Pope is dead.
Hip hip hoorah!
Hip hip hoorah hoorah!

I'll tip back a pint of Mogan David to that.