Sick Man Lookin' For The Doctor's Cure

WARNING!!! THIS POST IS DISGUSTING

Ever since I can remember, I have had problems in the nose department.

As a young nosie, it would bleed all the time. I remember it was a little embarrassing, so I would go into the bathroom and bleed into the sink until I fainted. After my mom found me on the floor for the umpteenth time, she decided to take me to have it cauterized. All I remember about that is some doctor sticking an glowing hot poker into my nostrils until I could smell flesh burning. There was a lot of crying and screaming and out of fear, my nose stopped bleeding for about 20 years.

Then it started all over again, and recalling the discomfort of a branding iron up my nose, I found other ways to handle it. I became my own Ferdie Pacheco, fight doctor, cut man for the bloody trunk. I always had ice and Petroleum jelly in my corner.. long cotton swabs too. I could stop bleeding in 30 seconds.

Additionally, each day, when I took my morning shower, I let the nose bleed until it got tired. Blood ran down the drain and reminded me of the shower scene in "Psycho".

Later, after much crying and screaming, Kimberly made me get it cauterized again. I will say this, medicine has come a long way from the Dark Ages of the '50's.... anesthesia prior to the hot poker....5 minutes...totally painless and 100% effective.

Check off the box on nosebleeds.

Now, mind you, I also have never been able to inhale through the nostril zone...never.

By my loving brother, Rick, was affectionately known as the "mouth breather".

In addition, not much in the way of a sense of smell and quite a bit of snoring. (Or so I am told.) The myriad attempts at curtailing that particular habit can be discussed at another time.

Apparently, I have a tremendous amount of blockage or congestion or allergic space dust packed in my sinuses that prevent air getting in. Who knew? I was born that way.

But about 7 years ago, my nose situation took a even more downward turn. Out of my usually dry and barren nasal cave came an outpouring of what professionals call "mucus". Phlegm. yellow proboscis pudding. Green gold. Texas Tea. Disgusting stuff to all who were forced to be in my presence, including me.

I went through a box of Kleenex a day and 2 on Sunday...because I could.

We couldn't figure out what was going on. at least 7 trips to the doctor resulted in 7 doses of antibiotics....

Worthless.

Then I went to a specialist who had me take an MRI. The doctor was completely excited when she got the film. She said I had the most blocked passageway in the history of the schnoz. She was drooling to operate and I agreed as long as insurance was paying.

So she went in with a miner's hat and a vacuum cleaner and sucked stuff out of me that was in there for years. I was reunited with a marble I lost in the 3rd grade...

Sweet.

She told us that I had a lot of polyps; she described them to be like grapes on a vine. She also said they would likely grow right back. This future regrowth was not mentioned in the pre-op conversation.

And grow back they did. I had the whole mucus thing again after a few months. This time it came with a phleghmish throat, so hacking and spitting were added to my desirability quotient.

More doctors, more antibiotics. With the coughing and snoring, Kimberly made me sleep in another room.

It was time to see a 2nd specialist.

This guy had me go through an allergy test, MRI and antibiotics, followed by a second surgery, which we were told would be temporary.

The doctor was right and everything came back. But now we were going to New Zealand and I would run out of that marvelous health insurance. The best I could do was irrigate my sinuses with a drug store water pump solution, which worked better that 2 surgeries. I highly recommend this product, even if you have a clear head.

Over here, the problems continued as usual and It became sensible to look for alternative medicine. Sceptical as I am, I was willing to go to a voodoo doctor if my nose would just drain like everyone else.

So we go to to Janine Taylor, homeopath. A homeopath does an interview instead of an exam. Luckily for everyone concerned, I got to keep my clothes on during the entire time.

She asked about my family, habits, dislikes, dreams and weird shit like that. After an hour and a half and $85NZ, she gave me the "remedy", which was a teeny, tiny little sugar pill that was dosed with a "thought" of sulphur, which is way less than a hint of sulphur. I placed the crumb of sugar under my tongue until it dissolved. I believe it was like taking LSD, if what I hear about those nutty trips is true.

Well, here's a flashback... by the time I got to the footpath outside the office, my nose was clear!!!!!

I stayed perfectly fine for 2 months and I had a bit of a relapse.

She gave me another remedy and I am good again. Total cost $125NZ ($95USD)

Why didn't my USA surgeons know about this?

Something is fishy about the American Health care system and now even I can smell it.